Shelter
by amerikanka
Summary: A singer who won't sing and is terrified of any kind of commitment. A wizard who doesn't have a wand and is still healing mentally from twelve years in prison. A world growing darker each passing day that Voldemort gets stronger. Set in autumn 1995, Emmeline and Sirius struggle to understand what they have lost, take shelter in what they are, and fight to become something more.
1. Chapter 1

Sirius had dreaded September 1st coming around. Not because Harry and the other kids were leaving, exactly – of course he would miss them, especially Harry – but rather because the house would return to being silent and oppressing. No more Fred and George blowing things up, no more Molly Weasley screaming at them, no more Ron and Hermione and Harry plotting in corners, and no more Ginny helping both groups cause chaos. No, after September 1st, Sirius knew that the house would go back to its brooding silence and that _terrified_ him.

Not that he would admit to being terrified, of course, except maybe to Remus. But his old werewolf friend had been having a harder time than usual lately. Apparently the werewolf packs were being stirred up by whispers of Voldemort's return and so Remus had been tasked with keeping tabs on them. More often than not Remus had been returning to headquarters exhausted and bruised, making Sirius wince with sympathy and offer up firewhiskey and bruise balm.

Remus's crush on his little cousin was amusing to tease him about on those occasions when Sirius felt that Remus needed a break from the reality of their lives. Making Moony blush had never been that hard when it came to girls, but Sirius was about fourteen years out of practice and he appreciated the chance to brush up on his skills.

Muffled sounds from the kitchen momentarily got his attention, but then he realized it was probably just Molly Weasley cooking again. They didn't get along well. She seemed to consider him a bad influence on Harry, which made Sirius resentful. Yeah, okay, logically he knew it was hard to get over thirteen years worth of fear when it came to living with a convicted killer (even if that conviction was wrong), especially when you had kids to look out for, but she had to know that Sirius would never, _ever_ , hurt Harry.

She didn't like him around any of her own children either, which was amusing because Sirius had let slip to Fred and George that in his day, he had been quite the prankster. Remus had rolled his eyes while Sirius dropped hints for a solid month tormenting the twins about the true identity of Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Really, it was Remus's fault because he had mentioned to Sirius that Harry got the Marauders Map from Fred and George. Once Fred and George knew that Sirius was Padfoot and Remus was Moony, they hadn't left them alone. It probably wasn't the best way to convince Molly that he was trustworthy, but Sirius hadn't much cared at that point.

A knock at his door interrupted his musings. He had been laying on his bed staring at his old muggle posters and pictures but he got up and answered the door, smiling a little in polite welcome at Emmeline Vance when he saw her.

They hadn't been great friends at Hogwarts – he had been too close to James and she had been too close to Lily to be able to hang out much without their respective friends jumping down their throats – but after Hogwarts and during the First War they had gotten closer. The dark haired, brown eyed witch was a gentle sort, he had come to realize, and easy to talk to. She had been reluctant to believe Remus when Moony had told her about what really happened with Sirius on the morning after Lily and James were killed, to hear Remus tell it. Sirius didn't blame her. It was a strange story.

"Molly wants to know if you want dinner," Emmeline offered. She had a low voice, musical and gentle. "Roasted chicken and potato soup."

He was hungry, but his distaste in making nice with Molly Weasley long enough for her to feed him dinner must have shown on his face because Emmeline grinned. Molly and Sirius had had another row earlier that day and he'd be shocked if the whole damn house didn't know about it. "I'm not all that hungry," he said.

"Liar," Emmeline said, voice amused. "You're just avoiding Molly."

Sirius shrugged in agreement. "I'm not quite ready to make nice."

"Well," Emmeline said, raising an eyebrow at him. "I was going to get Chinese take away tonight. Should I get enough for two, or are you still not hungry?"

That got a full smile out of Sirius. "Chinese sounds great."

"Fantastic. I'll be back in half an hour. Hide in your room until then and I'll tell Molly you're already asleep." She turned around and went back down the stairs, leaving Sirius snickering quietly behind her. Remus had probably put her up to it, he thought, but it was still nice to have someone checking up on him and being willing to take his side on things.

True to her word, half an hour later they were eating fried rice and potstickers and spring rolls on his floor. Emmeline was very good at using chopsticks, while Sirius was fumbling a little more. She was nice and didn't make fun of him for it, but when a potsticker went flying across his room and smacked against a bikini-clad muggle girl on his wall and left a streak of sauce, he heard her snort with laughter. "I'm a bit out of practice," he said, sneering at her elegantly. That just made her giggle more.

"I take it all of this was rebellion?" She asked, gesturing at the muggle girls and the Gryffindor banners on his walls with a spring roll.

Sirius nodded. "And there are permanent sticking charms on the lot of them, so they're not going anywhere. I figured if I had to deal with my mother's portrait not being able to be removed, they shouldn't be able to remove these either, even after I left."

"You ran off midway through the summer between fifth and sixth year, right?" Emmeline asked. Her tone was a little too casual – musical her voice might have been, but that just made it easier to read her when she was trying to get information.

Sirius nodded slowly. "Yeah, that's right. Turned up at the Potters halfway through the night, July eighteenth. Why?"

Emmeline shook her head quickly. "No reason really. I'm just..." she trailed off and sighed, then met his eyes ruefully. "I'm just trying to reassure myself that you're the same Sirius I knew at Hogwarts when we were all young and stupid. I spent fourteen years hating you, only to have Remus Lupin turn up on my doorstep and tell me you were innocent. It's still a bit hard to believe."

He was more than a little shocked at her frankness and she grimaced. "Sorry. After the end of the last war I stopped mincing my words. I've kind of forgotten how to be nice."

They sat in an awkward silence for a few moments before Sirius raised a box of fried rice and tried a smile at her. "This is nice."

The expression that spread over her face was one of relief and she gave him a thankful look. "I'm glad. I'm always happy to help you hide from Molly."

"Do you two not get along?"

Emmeline looked away and shrugged. "It's not that. It's her brothers."

Sirius suddenly remembered that Emmeline had dated Fabian Prewett, one of Molly's two younger twin brothers, for several years at Hogwarts and through the war. "It's just easier if we don't interact," Emmeline said. "Whenever she sees me she gets this weird look in her eyes and I don't know if she blames me or what but it's just easier if we don't talk. Or see each other."

"Why would she blame you?" Sirius asked before he winced at his own stupidity. "Sorry, no, you don't have to answer that."

Emmeline looked at him with a razor sharp smile that had no humor about it. "Thanks. It's not exactly a good dinnertime conversation."

They finished eating quietly. Emmeline didn't seem upset, Sirius noted thankfully. He didn't want to hurt her, especially by asking stupid questions that he should have known better than to ask. With the exception of Remus sometimes, the topic of the First War was usually off limits no matter who he spoke to. Too many dead people, too many barely-healed wounds to pick at and start the bleeding again, too many betrayals and terrible memories.

She left soon after the food was gone. The quick smile she had given him before she left reassured him that she wasn't angry with him, but there was still a hint of bitterness around her that made him feel like he'd done something wrong.

That night, he wracked his brain trying to remember things about Emmeline at school and during the First War. She had been best friends with Lily Evans, all through school, and she had been Maid of Honor at the Potter's wedding. His memories of the Potters wedding were bright, shining in his memory... or at least he remembered them being bright and shining before the Dementors had gotten ahold of them. Now he couldn't remember anything about that day except that it was happy and he had no idea why.

He scowled, not wanting to sink down into that dark place. Back to Emmeline. She had dated Fabian, who had been a year above her, from fifth year on. She had always had a song on her lips – he dimly remembered Lily commenting once that Emmeline's mother had sung on the radio and that the love of music (and the glorious alto voice) ran in the family. He remembered Marlene (oh god, Marlene, now there was a memory) being jealous of the dark-haired Vance girl's voice – Marlene herself had been the first to admit that when she sang, it was like a cat getting its tail crushed by a rocking chair.

Lily had been responsible for fueling Emmeline's love of muggle music, and the number of Beatles songs Emmeline had known by heart would have been embarrassing except, well, it was Emmeline. She had played the piano as well. Maybe he should brush the dust off the old family piano in the sitting room and ask her to play something, he mused.

After the war, he had no idea what had happened to her. Part of that was because he was in prison, obviously, but also he hadn't heard much about her from Remus except that she had been ready and willing to join the Order the second time around. She seemed happy, from what he had just seen, but bitter. Very bitter.

The next morning he woke and knocked on Remus's door. The man wasn't in his room so Sirius ventured down to the kitchen and found him making a pot of tea. Sirius smirked. "How typical," he teased his old friend.

Remus shook his head and poured Sirius a cup as well. "Hungry? Molly left some leftovers from yesterday's dinner in the ice chest. I can't believe this place still has an ice chest."

Sirius rolled his eyes and accepted the cup of tea. "Merlin forbid anything in the Noble and Ancient House of Black is from this century. And I actually had dinner last night, Emmeline brought me Chinese take away."

"She did?"

"Yeah. Listen, Remus... what happened with Emmeline after the war?" Sirius was hesitant in asking.

Remus gave his friend a weird look. "What do you mean?"

Sirius shrugged. "She doesn't seem like the same Emmeline I remember."

Remus gave a harsh laugh, very much unlike him. "Who's the same, Sirius?" That was enough to make Sirius shift in his seat uncomfortably. Twelve years in prison had made his social skills very sub par, and thankfully Remus took pity on his friend fairly quickly and sighed, shaking his head. "She took Fabian's death really hard, and then Lily... and she was close with Alice too, Alice Longbottom. Bellatrix tortured them, you know that, and from what Emmeline said to me once, she went to visit and Alice screamed at her, just pure terror until she left. Emmeline had a very rough time of it after everything was supposed to be safe and good again."

"She just seemed really bitter. I remember her singing non-stop at Hogwarts and now she looks about as ready to break into song as my damn house elf does."

Remus was shaking his head quickly, an intense look on his face. "Don't ask her to sing, Sirius. She doesn't sing any more."

"What? She never shut up at Hogwarts," Sirius said, confused.

"I know. But don't talk to her about singing. The last time I heard her sing was fourteen years ago on November 1st, a year and a day after James and Lily. After that, she swore never to sing again."

"Why?"

"I don't know," Remus admitted. "She wrote a song – it was the only time I ever heard her sing something she'd written herself – and, well, it was hard to hear. It was about the war, people who died... I was a mess listening to her. I can't imagine how she felt singing it. She vanished for a few years after that day, might have gone to America, might have gone to Australia, or she might have gone to the bloody moon for all the letters she sent. Just don't ask her about singing."

"Alright," Sirius agreed. He wouldn't ask her, but if the piano just so happened to get cleaned off, and if he just so happened to be mangling a song (his mother had forced him to study the piano for four years until he could plunk his way through a song very unwillingly) and she was in the room...

With that in mind, Sirius finished his tea and went to dust off the piano.

When Emmeline next came over, a few days later, it was for a meeting. Sirius greeted her from his seat at the kitchen table and motioned her over, pointing at the seat next to him. She gave him a strange but pleased look as she took the chair, then accepted a mug of hot cider from him as well after unwrapping her scarf. The weather had been cooling off fast outside since the start of September and the fall wind had blown color into her cheeks.

Halfway through the meeting she passed him a note. Snape was speaking and Sirius had been glaring at him, not even trying to hide his hostility, until Emmeline poked his elbow and pointed at the scrap of paper. _Chinese after?_ it read in her loopy handwriting. _I'm starving_.

He grinned at her and nodded slightly and then resumed glaring at Snape, though he was in a slightly better mood with the promise of food. He could smell Molly's cooking coming from the oven but Chinese take away on the floor of his room with Emmeline sounded like a much better time than trying to make nice with Molly Weasley and being social with the rest of the Order.

This time when she knocked at his door, she had brought orange chicken and beef lo mein. She chased the noodles around her paper plate with her chopsticks and Sirius laughed her until she chucked a piece of orange chicken at his head. "Did you really just throw chicken at me?" He asked in disbelief.

"So what if I did?" She asked, raising her chin proudly. "That's what you get for laughing at me."

"It's just so third year," He said, shaking his head. "I'm halfway expecting McGonagall to come in here and blame it on me even though it's not my fault."

Emmeline laughed, the quiet sound making Sirius smile despite the orange sauce in his hair. "You did start most of the food fights at Hogwarts, so she would be completely justified in blaming you. However, I'm Hufflepuff enough to own up to my own actions to get you out of trouble."

"You're no Hufflepuff," Sirius said. "You're a Gryffindor."

Emmeline shrugged. "I don't know. I would much rather be with people that accepted me no matter what rather than being among people who have something to prove. I never felt bold enough to be a proper Gryffindor." She poked at a piece of beef with her chopsticks, looking down. "I wasn't fiery and determined like Lily or passionate and brave like Marlene. I was just trying-too-hard-Emmeline." That last part was said with a twist to her mouth like she was quoting someone.

"I know James would have straight out collapsed at two Lilys," Sirius said, trying to lighten the mood. "And I don't think the world could have handled two Marlenes."

"No, I don't think it could have," Emmeline said. "God, Marlene. I loved her and hated her all at the same time. She was everything I aspired to be but didn't have the daring to try to be."

"No one could sing like you though," Sirius ventured, trying to contain his emotions every time Marlene's name was mentioned. She had been the love of his teenage years and the idea that she hadn't made it out of the first war was still a shock, even though he'd attended her funeral. The Dementors had taken the sharp passions out of the memories but he did remember loving her. He doubted anything could take that away, even if he couldn't remember exactly what it felt like to love her, and to be loved by her. "Marlene was always insanely jealous of your voice."

Emmeline looked up at him with a slight smile. "I... sorry. I forgot that you two had something before the end of the last war, didn't you?"

Sirius nodded, noting that she had completely ignored the mention of singing. It seemed Remus was right, as per usual. "I loved her," he said simply. "Though it terrified me to say it at the time. I was nineteen, I had no idea what I was doing."

"And we're much better at knowing what we're doing now, aren't we?" Emmeline asked with a raised eyebrow. The question was so ridiculous that Sirius burst into laughter, spilling beef lo mein onto his floor.

"Shit," he swore. Emmeline was still giggling as she directed her wand at the mess and cleaning it with a wave, then doing the same for his hair, which still had orange sauce in it. "Thanks Emm."

She stilled for a second. "No one's called me Emm in years."

"Sorry?" Sirius asked. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to apologize for that or not.

Emmeline shook her head. "No, it's fine. It just reminds me of things." At his look she continued. "Things like being in the common room surrounded by my friends, and back during the first war when we actually thought we had a chance of winning, and watching James lead you idiots to the Quidditch victory in seventh year. They're all good memories, but... they're _memories_. And I don't want them to be memories, I want them to be real."

That was enough to send them both back into silence until eventually Emmeline sighed and stood up. "I should get going. Thanks for the company."

"Thanks for the food," Sirius returned. He was happy that she wasn't apologizing for bringing up memories – it wasn't that they were _bad_ memories, exactly, it was just that they were memories, like she had said. And he had lost most of the happiness from them because of the Dementors. That fact made it hard to sympathize with her easily, but she seemed to appreciate the fact that he wasn't an emotional wreck at the mention of their old friends.

"Same time, same place on Thursday?" She offered. If he hadn't been watching her hands as she picked up the plates, he would have missed how she was shaking slightly. Whether it was nerves or repressed emotions, he didn't know. He hoped it wasn't that she was nervous around him. They seemed okay when they laughed and joked, and she was offering to meet with him again two days from now.

"Thursday sounds good," he confirmed. "Hey," he said as she made her way towards the door. She paused and turned slightly, not looking at him directly. "The world couldn't handle two Emmelines either."

He saw her mouth twitch into a tiny smile and she met his eyes briefly. "And I shudder to think of the chaos two Siriuses would bring." She opened the door and then stopped again. "Thank you. And can you call me Emm? I think I like the reminder from you."

"Sure thing, Emm. See you Thursday."

* * *

Oh god what's this Vee's doing another multi-chapter story? Why yes, yes I am! Yet another I have all plotted out so updates should be fairly quick/regular. Leave a review and let me know what you think!

-Vee/amerikanka


	2. Chapter 2

When Thursday came around Emmeline was thrilled. She was excited to see Sirius of course, but mostly she was excited to not be alone. When not at Order meetings she found herself desperate for ways to while away the hours. She had a small fortune from her mother's radio career and her house had been in her family for generations so she didn't need to worry about money or a place to live. But her house was big and empty and she was too flighty for a job – she'd tried holding down jobs a few times, but after about three weeks the idea of commitment got to her and she quit.

That was the most noticeable change in her since the war, she knew. Commitment and believing that people would be there for her _terrified_ her beyond reason. Ever since Fabian had died she had been a wreck when it came to believing that people would stick around. Not that he had wanted to go, she knew, but that almost made it worse. Anyone could die in a war and now they were in a war again. Maybe with a better chance this time, but maybe not.

She did feel bad for Sirius though, and that was enough to make her think about being better friends with him. Friends she could handle. Maybe. It had been a long time since she had seen him and the years (and prison, obviously, she scolded herself) had taken a toll on him. Being cooped up inside his hellhole of a family home all the time couldn't be helping either. When Remus had given her the whole story about who really betrayed Lily and James, she had had a hard time believing it. Sirius had gotten so strange during the final year of the first war, even turning on Remus and calling him a traitor. Remus had clearly forgiven him for that but Emmeline couldn't help but remember it.

She didn't like thinking about the years following the war. She had fallen apart, completely and totally, and had dealt with her problems in entirely too many unhealthy ways. After about a year of drinking herself into oblivion every night she had written a song while drunk off her face and sung it at the first memorial on November 1st, then promptly bolted without saying goodbye to anyone.

Even just remembering how she felt after the war was enough to make her want to run again. She was fidgety all morning until she came to the conclusion that if she tried to sit still with Sirius in his terrible, oppressing house she would scream and hex something or someone. Even taking a walk around London couldn't calm her down and she was twitchy at every corner and alleyway. One shop in particular caught her attention long enough for an amused smile to cross her face and she stepped in to make a purchase.

Emmeline showed up at Sirius's house around two in the afternoon. They hadn't set a time, exactly, and if he was half as bored of being kept inside as she was feeling antsy, he would probably appreciate the company. Plus, she suddenly had a plan about what to do.

She let herself into Grimmauld place, sneering at the curtained portrait of Sirius's horrid mother. She found him in the sitting room lounging elegantly on a couch and reading a book. The sitting room had a bunch of overstuffed couches and chairs, as well as a piano that seemed significantly less dusty than the rest of the furniture. She let her eyes slide over the piano like oil on water, not quite touching it but taking in every detail. It was an old instrument and she bet it would sound lovely... no. That was a sure way to lose control of her emotions and spiral down into panic. "Hey," she greeted Sirius with a smile that was only slightly strained, wrenching her gaze away from the piano. Even still recovering from his prison time (and she suspected that he would never really heal, not totally) he was graceful and poised, probably from a long line of fancy breeding and manners beating into his head as a child.

He looked around and his face lit up. "Hi Emm," he said back, swinging his legs around off the couch and standing with that easy grace she so admired.

"So, no offense," she started, "but I really can't stand the thought of sitting around all day."

"Oh," he said, his face falling slightly. He probably thought she had just come by to be nice and then ditch him again, she mused.

"Yeah, I'm just having one of those days where I can't sit still. But I had an idea." She was holding what she purchased in a bag behind her back and she brought it around to her front slowly, making a big show of being slow about it.

"Did you now," he said. It clearly wasn't a question. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the bag with a little bit of anxiety.

Emmeline grinned and pulled a leash and collar out of the bag. Remus had explained about the Animagus thing, about how Sirius turned into a massive black dog like the Grim, and since she hadn't seen him as a dog she had just guessed at the sizing of the brown leather collar and leash she now held in her hands. "You want to go out?"

He was staring at the leash and collar. "Emm, I can't," he said eventually. "Dumbledore said..."

"Pfft," she scoffed. "When did you ever listen to rules? No one's even here to notice us leaving."

She watched as he bit his lip and she gave him a winning smile, though it was probably came out looking more than a little desperate. "Come on, Sirius. When was the last time you got out of this house?"

He gave her a calculating look. "Too long ago," he said eventually. "Alright. But we can't tell Moony. He would get really upset and I hate it when he yells at me."

Emmeline gave a full on smile for what felt like the first time that day. "Okay, we won't tell Remus. We won't tell anyone. Let's go!"

He gave her one more look before transforming. She couldn't help the slight squeak she made at the suddenness of it – one moment he was a human, one moment a dog. Emmeline fastened the collar around his neck and he gave her a look. "Oh hush," she said. "At least I didn't get you a pink one. And don't try and bite anyone, because I didn't buy you a license and I really don't want to have to bail you out of muggle dog jail." He sniffed at that, managing to get enough disdain into the noise that she laughed.

Once they were out the door Sirius started wagging his tail and when she looked down and saw it and laughed, he gave her a reproachful look and stopped. She nudge him and then took a handful of his scruff. "I'm going to apparate us to Falmouth, okay? Don't panic." He huffed in agreement and she turned them both into the darkness.

They reappeared at the apparation point in Falmouth, the wizarding community Emmeline had grown up in. Falmouth was a larger wizarding community and even had its own Quidditch team, the Falmouth Falcons, and Emmeline figured they would not likely run into anyone. She was a recluse since the war, her lonely castle tower overlooking the sea two miles down the road from the main town. The wizarding part of Falmouth was kept under tight hex and spell against the muggles in the area, but Emmeline knew that they would likely be safer in the muggle section of the city, so that was where she took them.

It was nice to get out and walk along the bay. Sirius seemed happy as well, prancing along at her side and sniffing deeply of the salt air. It was much different from the stench of London and she smiled at him, happy that he was happy. Emmeline set a quick pace that the big dog had no trouble keeping up with. When they reached a spot that they could get down to the small rocky beach Sirius gently tugged at the leash and looked at her. "Wherever you want to go," she told him, and he lead the way down the path.

She should have gotten one of those long rope leashes, she thought as he tugged her all over the beach. At least she had worn sensible, flat-soled boots. She was tempted to just take him off the leash and let him run but she didn't want any muggle authorities to see her 'dog' off leash and come investigating, so on the leash he stayed.

He was sniffing at something on the shore and she looked down at him. "What are you doing? You better not be eating anything that's going to make you sick..."

He pulled his head out of the sand and gave her a look of such supreme snobbery that she had to laugh. "You look like a Malfoy when you make that face," she told him. He barked several times at her and she dissolved into giggles, imagining what he must be saying.

She was getting chilly – the wind off the Atlantic was brisk and cold – and so after another few moments she tapped him on she shoulder and said, "It's bloody freezing out here. Let's go get some tea or something to warm up with."

He turned around from where he had been sniffing and nodded, something small in his mouth. He jumped up and tucked it into her pocket, nearly knocking her over with his paws before he fell back and looked properly contrite. She gave him a look and brushed sandy dog paws off her jacket before reaching into her jacket and pulling out a piece of purple seaglass covered in dog slobber. "Aww," she said, touched. "Thank you." He panted at her in a dog's grin before tugging her back up to the main path along the bay.

They found a tea shop that let her bring Sirius in after she told the staff that he was her service dog. He lay down under the table out of the way to prove his good behavior and she bought a bowl of tea for him. He lapped at it slowly, careful not to make a mess. She bought them both scones as well, hoping that wouldn't make him sick. She didn't know how Animagus digestion worked. She figured he would be turning back to a human soon enough anyway – they would have to be sure to return before Order members came back to headquarters.

Before they left Falmouth, Emmeline stopped them at her favorite ice cream shop. She left Sirius outside while she went in and purchased two bowls to go, one mint chip and the other butter pecan. When she came back out Sirius was already drooling. "Alright, take your pick," she offered. He swatted a paw at the hand that held the bowl with the butter pecan ice cream and she set it on the ground for him. He licked it up happily, tail wagging again. She finished her own more slowly before they walked back to the apparation point.

Sneaking back into Grimmauld place was not quite as easy as leaving it had been. Emmeline had barely closed the door before Nymphadora Tonks, who Emmeline knew as Sirius's little cousin, turned the corner. Sirius had turned back into a human the instant the door was closed but he still had the collar around his neck, significantly looser than it had been before. "Hey Tonks," he greeted nonchalantly.

Tonks narrowed her eyes at them. "What are you doing?"

"What, this?" Sirius asked, unbuckling the collar like he had all the time in the world. Emmeline was trying not to laugh and break their, admittedly terrible, cover, and busied herself with removing her coat. He hadn't wanted Remus to know, so as long as Tonks could keep quiet... "Emm was helping me figure out if we could put a harness on the rat when we caught him, to keep him from running off again."

Well that was a terrible cover story. Emmeline buried her face in her scarf as she heard Tonks make a disbelieving noise. "Trust me, Tonksey," Sirius said with a grin. "You really don't want to know what we were doing."

Finally, Tonks sighed and rolled her eyes. "Knowing you, it was some weird sex thing," she grumbled.

That got a blush out of Emmeline. "We were _not_ – " she started before Sirius stepped on her foot and winked roguishly at his cousin. Tonks made a disgusted noise and walked off.

"It's better if she thinks it was some weird sex thing," Sirius said while Emmeline glared at him. "That way she won't tell Remus. Well, she probably won't." He pushed her shoulder gently and continued to ignore her displeased look. "Chinese food?"

"You great glutton," Emmeline said, dropping her glare. "Scones and ice cream wasn't enough for you?"

"Nah. Chinese food?" He asked again, raising his eyebrows hopefully and giving her a grin. He looked so much like the teenager she had known at that point that she had to restrain herself from ruffling his hair.

"Fine. Go get plates. I don't want to eat off paper again. I'll be back in a bit." She headed right back out the door after putting on the coat she had just taken off.

As she walked to the Chinese take away close to his house, she reflected that she felt much more settled after their impromptu, rule-breaking jaunt to Falmouth. Walking around with a friend who was a dog and watching his stupid antics was much more settling than pacing around by herself and dwelling on things that were better off not thought about.

Once she had ordered their dinner (fried rice and wonton soup and beef lo mein because Sirius had liked that one a lot) she reached a hand into her pocket and pulled out the piece of purple seaglass, thankfully now devoid of dog slobber. Emmeline smiled down at it while she waited for her food to be ready. It was a thoughtful token of their adventure and she resolved to keep it with her from now on. It would be nice to be able to remember the feeling of the sea breeze and laughing at her silly friend, especially as the news of the wizarding world got darker and darker.

It angered her how stupid her fellow witches and wizards were. Just believe everything the Ministry says, she thought irritably, because they had everything so under control last time. She had lost a lot of faith in Dumbledore as well after Lily and James had been killed, but at least he was trying to _do_ something about the return of You-Know-Who. Last time they had followed him as well and he had gotten a lot of them killed, but she wasn't sure what else could have happened with the menace they had been up against. This time, maybe they stood a chance because they had a head start on the evil that they faced.

She walked back to Grimmauld Place quickly. It wasn't as cold in London as it had been in Falmouth with the sea wind, but it wasn't warm either. They were in for a bitter winter, she thought. Maybe they would get snow. She would love to take Sirius out into the snow, especially since without hands, there was no way he would win if she started a snowball fight with him. A smile touched her lips as she thought about their day once more. They would have to do that again, soon.

She returned to Grimmauld Place and hung up her coat before walking up the stairs to Sirius's room. Not that there was anything wrong with the kitchen, but she knew that he would be up here. And she would prefer it as well, away from other people. It had been such a good day so far, especially after her flighty, panicky feeling that morning, and she would really prefer to keep it that way. She didn't need people trying to be social. It always set her on edge. It hadn't used to, she thought with more than a touch of regret, but now it did.

She burst into laughter when she came into Sirius's room. He had managed to pilfer full place settings, including three forks each and fine linen napkins, from the kitchen downstairs and she took great delight in dumping the muggle Chinese take away onto the shining and ancient Black family silver. He had also fetched a pot of tea and poured that for them while she dished out the food.

For a time there was only quiet sounds of eating. Emmeline wasn't overly hungry because of her scone and ice cream not two hours before, but what she didn't eat Sirius set to with a happy will. She ate most of the soup while he chowed down on the noodles. A soft knock at the door made them both look around while chewing, and Sirius said around his mouthful, "Come'n!"

Remus opened the door and Sirius gulped down his food almost comically quickly. "Moony! Hi. Come have Chinese."

Remus looked between the two of them quizzically. "I didn't know you two were such good friends."

Emmeline swallowed her own food and shrugged. "Well, the rest of my friends are dead," she said without thinking. Almost immediately her eyes widened and she clapped a hand to her mouth. "Shit!" She exclaimed. "I can't believe I just said that."

Both Remus and Sirius were staring at her. "I'm sorry," she muttered quietly, looking down. "I... I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Emm," Sirius said, first to break the sudden silence. "I think it was just unexpected."

Emmeline couldn't help her snort of laughter that didn't have a scrap of humor to it. "Doesn't mean it's _okay_."

"Emmeline," she looked over at Remus as he said her name. He was watching her with something like understanding in his eyes. "Don't panic."

She groaned lightly and leaned her head against the wall. Of course he would be reassuring her against that. The last time she had done something unexpected around him – when she had sung that stupid song she had written – she had bolted away from the country for years. Thing was, she kind of felt like running again. "I'm going to go home," she said, in a measured tone as she tried to keep ahold of her emotions.

"Emmeline..."

"I'm just going home, Remus," she snapped, then winced at her own tone. "Just home." Before anyone else could argue she walked out the bedroom door and down the steps swiftly, donning her coat and stepping outside before anyone could catch her, in case anyone was following. She apparated directly back to her castle tower on the outskirts of Falmouth and barred the door against anyone coming in before sitting down on her couch and losing herself to tears.

How could she have said something so bloody _stupid_ as that? It wasn't like she was the only one who had lost people. _Everyone_ had dead people. She wasn't special in that she had lost her friends! Hell, Sirius and Remus had lost James because of their other friend! Betrayal was the worst, so much worse than just losing people to straightforward violence.

She was tempted sorely, not for the first time in fourteen years, to go to the corner shop in Falmouth and get something to drink. But that way lay madness and she clung to that last scrap of her willpower just barely. Instead, she took deep breaths to soothe herself and went to fix a pot of tea, which she drank quietly. She washed the pot and cup slowly once she was done, putting them away gently. She felt like she was trembling again with the need to flee and her hands were shaking.

"Stay," she whispered to herself. "Damn you, _stay put_." She gripped the stone kitchen counter hard enough to make her knuckles white, staring hard at the sink.

A knock at her main door made her whip her head around and stare at it. She walked over to it on cat-quiet feet, casting a spell that made the door transparent from one side. She sighed as the door revealed Remus, standing with his chin tucked into his collar against the cold wind. "I'm still here," she called out, endeavoring to make her voice steady.

"Good," he returned. "That means you can let me in. It's freezing outside."

"Go away, Remus," she said, leaning against the wall next to the door. "I don't need a babysitter."

"That's not why I'm here. Please open the door?" His words were a little stuttered, like his teeth were chattering in the cold. And he had said please. That got another sigh out of her and she opened the door reluctantly. "Thank you," he said as he stepped inside.

"What do you want?" She demanded, folding her arms. She tucked her hands down firmly and made fists to keep them from trembling where he could see.

"Sirius was worried," Remus explained. "He wanted me to check on you to be sure you were okay."

"And you weren't worried?" Now she was just being petulant and she realized that as soon as she saw him flinch. "Sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I just... I feel like an idiot and I would rather be alone right now."

"We're not mad at you, Emmeline," Remus said gently. The awful understanding in his voice almost made the tears start again, and Emmeline bit her lip hard enough to draw blood to keep that from happening. "We're your friends. We just want to be sure you're okay."

"Remus, let's be honest," Emmeline said bitterly, looking away from him. "I haven't been _okay_ for fourteen years. I'm not about to start now."

"Come back to Grimmauld Place. Stay there tonight. It'll help." His voice was gently insistent and Emmeline both adored and hated him for it. Adored him because he seemed to genuinely care. Hated him because if she accepted it would feel like she was getting help, and the only way she held herself together was by being aloof.

"No." He started to say something and she bulled over him. "I'll come to the next meeting. Now if you really want to help me, go away."

She felt a soft touch on her arm and flinched involuntarily as he said. "I wish you'd let us help you. People do better in groups. Just think about it." And then he was gone, and she broke down crying the moment she had thrown the bar over the door again, sobbing into her couch and hating how broken and scared she was.


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius worried for the next few days. He almost wished that the meeting would come sooner, just so he could reassure himself that Emmeline was okay. Remus had been grim when he had returned from checking on her, saying that she was still here but not much else. Sirius would have gone himself and damn the rules except he didn't have a wand to apparate with and he knew that stealing Moony's wand would get him into a world of trouble. So instead, he worried.

The dark-haired witch seemed to have more problems than he had first thought. Remus had told him a little more about her vanishing, and had also confirmed that when he went over to check on her she had clearly been thinking about doing it again. "I don't think she will," Remus had reassured Sirius, seeming to want to hear the words out loud himself as well. "I really don't think she will." The more he said it, the more Sirius worried.

Belatedly, Sirius realized that the first time they had had Chinese food in his room she had also probably been thinking about running. Her hands had been shaking in the same way, and she hadn't been able to meet his eyes in the same way. Still, at least that time she hadn't actually bolted. He had gotten a chance to say goodbye before she'd gone.

He didn't like being worried about people. Twelve years in Azkaban where all he had cared about was that he was innocent had made him forget most of the social niceties, and the Dementors had sucked away all the good memories of friends. He had forgotten what it felt like to want to be sure people were okay, and this feeling of caring was strange to him. He remembered that the first time he had realized that he cared about his friends at Hogwarts it had been a bizarre and almost unpleasant realization – being raised in the House of Black didn't exactly make one good at friendships that were based on caring about someone and not based on wanting something out of someone. This felt like that again. Like he was trying to relearn how people mattered.

His friendship with Remus was different. They had had a lot of rebuilding to do after that terrible, exhilarating night in the Shrieking Shack a year and a half ago. But they had done it because they were the only ones left, and their mutual hatred of Peter made it easy. Plus, Sirius and Remus had had an extra year before the Order was recalled to put their friendship back together.

Emmeline was another old face from his schooldays but it was a surprise to Sirius when he realized just how much she already meant to him. She had taken him out of the house against express orders to the contrary and she was fun, agreeing with him that Molly Weasley was hard to deal with even if she had different reasons than he did for that fact. She reminded him a little of being at school and sneaking around, but he also wanted her to be okay. When she had run off it had thrown him because it had shown him that he worried about her.

When she showed up at the last minute to the Order meeting on Sunday night, he almost hugged her in relief. The look she gave him when he started towards her was more than enough to stop him though. She didn't look angry, or contrite, or sad... she just looked scared. She did manage to return his smile just barely. It was a trembling smile and it didn't reach her eyes, but it gave him a small amount of comfort. She sat down at the far end of the table, away from most of the Order members, and didn't participate in the meeting at all.

After the meeting Sirius intercepted her before she could bolt for the door. "Chinese?" He asked her hopefully.

Emmeline shook her head quickly and tried to push past him. "Not tonight."

"Thai then?" She shook her head again, scowling as he blocked her way out. "Mexican?" That got him a glare and he was pleased that she was annoyed enough to do something besides just try to run. "Italian?"

"Sirius..." Emmeline sighed, stopping her efforts at escape for a moment. "You don't want me around. I'll just stick my foot in it again."

Sirius shrugged, determined to make her see that he wanted her to stay. "All of my social skills got left in prison. Remember how we've been eating off my floor with paper plates?"

A shadow of a smile ghosted across her face. "You did get the silver down last time."

Sirius dipped his head in a slight bow. "And for you, I will gladly do it again." Their eyes met briefly and he smiled at her, trying to put the old genuineness that had come so easily to him after being around James back into his voice.. "C'mon, Emm. Stick around tonight."

The second after she had agreed he ushered her into the sitting room, saying that he would dispatch Remus for food. He sent his friend out with some money after pulling him aside and telling him that he had gotten Emmeline to stay for a little while and they needed to make her feel welcome. If Remus found anything odd about the request, he didn't say so.

This felt strange, like having some purpose. He hadn't had any purpose besides _kill the rat_ in years, and it was weird to be taking care of someone else. It was nothing he hadn't done before in the last war, but there was a gap of fourteen years to look past. And anyway, he'd never taken care of Emmeline before, or she of him. That duty had fallen to Marlene and Fabian, and Sirius was sure that he would never be as good at taking care of someone as either one of them had been.

He could remember how Fabian had been around Emmeline like it was yesterday. Fabian had worshipped the ground she had walked on to the point of ridiculousness, and Emmeline had always been laughing and full of light because of it. He remembered one night when Emmeline had come back with hex marks all over her and the left side of her face one solid bruise, hair wild from the night wind and the fight, and Fabian had immediately gone to her. Rather than looking over her hurts he had cupped her face and stared at her eyes.

" _I'm okay," Sirius remembered her whispering. Emmeline had leaned into Fabian's hand with a quiet sigh. "Fabian, I'm okay." And then Fabian had kissed her, a gentle but lingering kiss, and allowed their Healer to look over her wounds. Fabian had seemed much more concerned about her mental state than her body, Sirius remembered, and he had thought that odd at the time._

" _She's always been worried about losing control," Marlene had told him later when things had calmed down and Sirius had mentioned it to her. "Our mums grew up together – Cassiopeia Vance had trouble telling reality from fantasy sometimes. It's one of the things that made her such an amazing singer, Mum told me, but Emmeline's been worried about an emotional breakdown like her Mum had for years."_

Oh sweet Merlin, Marlene. She had been light and fire and everything right with his world. When they had been together Sirius had wondered how anything as perfect as she was could find it in her heart to love him, the outcast of the Black family. She had laughed at him every time he voiced his concerns, and rather than be offended he had been thrilled.

" _Oh Sirius," she had said, brushing a hand through his hair. It had been long at the time, shaggy enough to fall into his grey eyes. "Your lineage means nothing to me. My family has been good and on the side of the light for the last thousand years and more, before your family was even a glint in anyone's eye. How could I not love you, knowing that you've turned your back on everything you were born to be and instead are striving to become everything you have the potential to be?"_

 _He had kissed her then, tangling his hands into her golden curls that shown in the firelight like molten gold, losing himself in her blue eyes the color of pure cobalt, losing himself in the girl that accepted him and loved him for what he was. She was perfect and all he wanted was to be worthy of her, and bless her, she seemed to think he was._

He leaned against the wall in the hallway to collect himself before going back to the sitting room. He had thought that the Dementors would have taken that memory too. Apparently not. Maybe it had just been buried so deeply in the fear surrounding the war that they had missed it. But that was his Marlene , always finding any way to make him remember things that were good and right with the world. She believed in him when he didn't believe in himself, there at the end when he couldn't trust anyone but James and Lily. Even when he hadn't trusted her she hadn't blamed him. And then she had been killed. Sirius drew a shaking breath before those thoughts came crashing down, brushing his hands off on his pants to remove the sweat.

Sirius returned to the sitting room a few minutes later, after he felt reasonably under control, to find Emmeline fiddling with something on a chain around her neck. She tucked it away before he could get a good look at it as she turned to him.

"Moony went for Thai food," Sirius said. He was thankful his voice was even, despite his little foray down memory lane a few moments before. "Would you like anything to drink? I have some firewhiskey, or we could do tea, or wine."

"Tea would be lovely," Emmeline replied. "I don't get along very well with firewhiskey."

"Does anyone actually get along well with firewhiskey?" Sirius asked when he returned with tea. "I remember very clearly the first time Aberforth let James get drunk at his pub."

"I do as well," Remus said dryly, entering the sitting room with plastic bags full of food in his hands. "I'm surprised you actually can recall that night, Sirius, as you ended up vomiting your guts out in the bushes on the way back to Hogwarts."

Sirius chuckled, a shadow of his old wicked smile on his face. "How could I not remember that, Moony, with the yelling at us you did the next morning? Worst headache of my life already, and then you just had to go and make it worse." Remus flashed a wicked grin with enough of his schoolboy self in it to make Sirius bark with laughter. Emmeline even laughed a little too at Remus's look.

"I always knew he was the kind to use tough love," she commented, opening up one of the bags of Thai food.

"Yeah, his tolerance for our bullshit got less and less as the years went on," Sirius agreed, helping her dish out noodles onto the plates.

"On the contrary," Remus commented blandly, taking a plate that Emmeline passed to him. "I would like to think that my tolerance stayed the same, but the level of bullshit increased disproportionally." That got a roguish wink out of Sirius and Emmeline giggled.

They set to eating. Sirius kept throwing covert looks at Emmeline, who seemed to be peaceful. Still, he could see her hands shaking slightly as she ate. Maybe it was just a nervous thing, he thought, or maybe it happened when she got upset. She didn't _seem_ upset now, just quiet. He hunted around for a conversation topic and his eyes kept being drawn to the piano. Probably a bad one to start with, but she was looking so deliberately everywhere else in the sitting room that she had to know it was there.

"So, Emm," he said instead, trying his hardest to sound casual and not prying. "What have you been up to the long years I've been locked away?"

She stilled (except for her shaking hands) and he bit his lip. Remus was glaring at him. Sirius winced – maybe even that was too much to start with. Surprisingly though, she put down her food slowly, the silver fork rattling slightly against the silver plate. "Nothing overly exciting," she said. Her voice wasn't steady but she did stay seated on the couch, making no moves to run.

"Well it has to be more exciting than prison," Sirius said, attempting to lighten the mood.

That got a tiny twitch of her lips that might have been a smile. "I suppose so. I went to South America for a while, actually. Argentina was lovely."

"Why South America?"

"Because it was untouched by our war," Emmeline said with a shrug. "I didn't have to worry about memories or seeing people I knew."

That was getting dark. Remus chimed in before Sirius could say anything else. "Do you speak Spanish now?"

Emmeline nodded. " _Si, claro_. I wouldn't have gotten very far without learning. I've forgotten a lot now – there aren't many people who speak Spanish around here – but I knew it pretty well for a time." She picked up her food and started eating again and Sirius took that as a sign that this was an okay conversation. "What about you, Remus?" Emmeline asked, almost hesitantly.

Remus shrugged. "I don't speak Spanish, if that's what you're asking. No," he said, laughing a little at his own joke while Sirius rolled his eyes. "No, I ended up working many different jobs. I taught at Hogwarts for a year – that's when Sirius got out, but I think you already know that. Mostly I just bounced around, looking for work."

"How was it to return to Hogwarts?" Emmeline asked quietly. There was a note of longing in her voice that Sirius picked up.

"It was..." Remus paused. "It was hard. Harry looks so much like James except for the eyes, and seeing him walk around the halls with his friends... that was hard to watch. He's very different from James when James was his age. Harry had had to grow up much faster than James did, but he's becoming a good man very quickly, just like his father. But he's kind too, like Lily." Remus swallowed, taking a drink of his tea to mask his emotions. "He's the best of both of them."

"That's my godson," Sirius chimed in, trying to lighten the mood again. Dwelling on old friends was a good way to become very sad and want to break into that firewhiskey. "Did you hear about him fighting the dragon, Emm?" Sirius launched into the story the moment Emmeline shook her head.

After that, it was a quick step to turn to telling stories of their times at Hogwarts. Not in a melancholy way, but rather in the way of remembering happy things. And they didn't tell the sad stories, only the happy ones. Like the time that James and Sirius had charmed all the suits of armor to fart noisily every time Snape had walked by. Or that time Remus had snuck down to the kitchens for a late night snack and Mrs. Norris had caught him and so to get away, he had lit her tail on fire. And the first time that Emmeline had sung to Lily at the behest of James, for Valentine's day in fourth year...

That story trailed off and Emmeline looked down, laughing smile slipping off her face in a few terrible seconds, then flashed Remus and Sirius a new, bright, brittle smile, sharp as a razor. "I did it again. I'm going to leave now."

"No, Emm," Sirius said, jumping up and intercepting her as she beelined for the exit. He blocked the door bodily, leaning across it. "You didn't do anything. We're just telling stories about the old days. Remus and I aren't upset that you brought up Lily and James."

"It's not that – " Emmeline started. She was biting her lip hard enough for it to bleed and Sirius pushed past his immediate thought to drop this line of conversation and get her cleaned up.

"Then what is it?" He said, ignoring that idea. "Is it the singing?"

"Sirius..." He heard Remus say lowly behind Emmeline. His best friend had stood up and was watching the confrontation play out.

Emmeline had frozen, staring intently at the wooden doorframe. "It is, isn't it?" Sirius asked. "Emm, you don't have anything to be ashamed of. I remember that day. You sounded amazing and it made me wish a girl would sing like that to me." He caught a look of Remus shaking his head quickly out of the corner of his eye but then pressed on. "Why don't you sing any more, Emm? You were the best."

Despite all his ideas to the contrary, that he was going to push her until she talked, that she was going to play the piano when she saw it, when he saw her face shut down he felt bad. He watched as she closed herself off physically and emotionally, watched as she crossed her arms and looked down. She wasn't pushing to leave any more but she didn't look like she was going to do much else either. She didn't even say anything, just stood there and stared at nothing.

Sighing, Sirius slumped down slightly. "I'm sorry, Emmeline," he said quietly. He passed a look with Remus. Despite all the years, he could still read his best friend easily. _Don't let her leave_ , Remus was telling him. Sirius agreed. If she left this time she might take weeks to come back. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up. You're bleeding." Indeed, she had bitten her lip so hard that a trickle of blood was coming out of her mouth.

He reached forward to take her hand and she flinched. "I don't want your _help_ , Sirius."

"Tough," he said, grabbing her hand and lacing their fingers together securely, holding it steady against the shaking. "You're getting it anyway, because you're my friend and you need it."

When she looked at him quickly he could have _sworn_ there was almost a grateful, disbelieving smile on her face but just as quickly she had shut down again and resumed her stare at nothing. He dragged her into the kitchen and Remus fetched a medical kit with a cloth and some potions in it. Sirius made Emmeline sit on the table while Remus tended to her, dabbing gently at the blood with the cloth and then applying one of the thick potions to another cloth and telling her to hold that to her lip until the bleeding stopped.

They probably could have gone without the medical kit, Sirius reasoned while Moony cleaned up. But it had given them a reason to make Emmeline stay and not run when that was her first thought. That said, she was a grown woman and he couldn't order her to stay here. "Alright," Sirius said, coming around to stand in front of her, their hands still linked. "You can go now, if you want. But we always have space for you here if you're feeling like you don't want to be alone tonight."

He went let her hand go and then found that he couldn't. She was holding onto him like he was going to save her from being swept down a river. She was still staring at the ground but when he squeezed her hand, she squeezed his back. He smiled at her and brought her fingers to his lips, kissing them gently. _We're gonna get through this_ , he thought. _Both of us, together._


	4. Chapter 4

Emmeline woke up the next morning and was instantly confused and wary. This wasn't her stone bedroom back home, with the tapestries thrown over the walls to keep the chill out. This place smelled musty and damp, nothing like her castle filled with sea wind and salt. She lay there for a few seconds until it dawned on her that she must have fallen asleep at Sirius's house the night before. They had stayed up late the night before.

Emmeline closed her eyes. She had almost run again. She had been shaky, flighty, trembling against the urge to flee... and then Sirius had taken her hand and Remus had cleaned up her bloody lip and Sirius hadn't let her go throughout the whole thing. And then he had told her she could leave if she needed to but then she had clung to him and he had accepted it.

After she had refused to let go of his hand, he had taken her back into the sitting room and sat down with her on the couch. He and Remus had talked quietly for hours, not ignoring her but also not insisting she join them in the conversation, and she had been absurdly grateful for it. She must have dozed off sometime after midnight, because she remembered the clocks chiming the hour.

Someone must have put her to bed. She opened her eyes and looked around. Adorned with black and silver hangings and furnishings, this was clearly one of the spare rooms that was included with Grimmauld Place. The bed was comfortable, if creaky with age, and the blankets were thick. It looked like whoever had put her to bed had even gotten some spare blankets from somewhere to ensure she was warm enough.

She got out of bed slowly, keeping the outermost blanket and wrapping herself up in it against the chill of the air. The clock on the mantle of the small fireplace in the room told her it was nearly ten in the morning and she was a little surprised. Usually she couldn't sleep much past seven or eight. She had been put to bed wearing her day clothes but her shoes had been removed. She left those at the foot of her bed and walked to the door in socks, tangling a hand in her hair as she tried to finger comb it. She knew she must look a mess between her panic from last night and then sleeping on her hair loose.

Before stepping out the door, Emmeline fished a hair tie out of her pants and braided her hair quickly to tame it. It was still tangled but at least she wouldn't look as frightful with a braid as she would with her wild mane of hair free. She had her mother's hair, long and thick and dark and wavy.

She padded down the stairs quietly, following her nose to the kitchen. When she saw Sirius standing at the stove she only paused for a second before walking into the kitchen and seating herself at the long table. "Hi," she greeted quietly. It was the first thing she had said since she tried to run off last night, and her voice was small. She gathered the blanket more tightly around herself.

Sirius turned around and a genuine smile lit his face. "Morning, Emm," he greeted. "Bacon and biscuits and eggs alright for breakfast?

Emmeline returned his smile tentatively. "That sounds great."

Sirius set to frying bacon and scrambling eggs with enthusiasm. Emmeline was practically drooling by the time he get the biscuits out of the over and transferred them to a platter. He dished up the eggs and bacon for them both as well and set a plate down in front of her. She dug in with a will, chowing down on the crispy bacon the second he sat down with his own plate.

"You didn't have to wait for me," Sirius commented, laying into his own food with the same gusto.

Emmeline shrugged and swallowed her mouthful of eggs. "Mum insisted I always wait until everyone's seated, and old habits die hard."

"You seem to be a little better," Sirius said once most of the food was gone.

Emmeline felt a spike of the feeling that told her to run before she beat it down and tried a smile at him. It came out a little wan, but it was still a smile "I am. Thank you, for last night. I can't tell you how much that helped." She cleared her throat and looked down, voice suddenly thick. It was amazing how much just having someone there changed things for her.

"Anytime, Emm," Sirius said quietly.

"Where's Remus?" She asked, not wanting the moment to get too mushy. She stood up to collect the dishes as well, busying herself with the task so as not to dwell on things.

"He's got guard duty this evening, he said, so he's probably sleeping in preperation," Sirius replied. "You don't have to clean up, I can do that."

Emmeline shook her head firmly. "Another Mum rule. Whoever makes the food doesn't have to clean."

"Your Mum sounds great," Sirius commented.

"She was," Emmeline said, speaking before she thought too much about it and sent herself spiraling again. "She was always happy and dancing around the tower. I know she sounded like that on the radio as Cassiopeia Vance but she was actually just genuinely happy all her life, not just as a show. She was the best Mum ever."

He looked like he wanted to ask something else and she bulled on ahead, not wanting to know what his question was. She had a thought it was going to do with singing and she just couldn't handle that, and she knew there would only be so many times he was willing to hold her together before he didn't care any more. That's just how people were. "She never yelled. Not to say I never got in trouble, but she never yelled at me for things I would do. She cried the day I left for Hogwarts and when I left home from every break she would cry. But she was never sad, she said, she was just so happy."

By that point Emmeline had fetched all the dishes and was washing them by hand. She could do it with magic, of course, but there was something soothing about the repetitive action. "I can't even tell you how much I miss her. She just had a way of making everything seem like it was going to be okay, no matter how dark the world got."

"What happened to her?" Sirius asked quietly.

Emmeline sighed and set to making a pot of tea. "She died. Sixth year. Dad had been killed a year before that – he was an Auror – and Mum couldn't handle the loneliness without him. I tried to come home and quit school to take care of her but she was furious with me. She dragged me back to Hogwarts that night I showed up, telling me that the next time I turned up on her doorstep before break she would chain me to my desk at school. I just wanted to help take care of her, but she loved me too much to watch me waste my life with an old, sad woman. Her words, not mine," Emmeline added with a wry smile.

It felt good to talk like this. Sirius was still, watching her with quiet grey eyes. He was good at listening, she was discovering. Maybe it came from being locked up in Azkaban for twelve years. But he also genuinely seemed to care about her, and that was nice. She almost snorted at herself. Nice. It was so much more than nice. "Anyway, she died halfway through sixth year. It wasn't even that much of a surprise, in all honesty. She loved my dad so much – she was a shadow of herself after he was killed, despite what she tried to pretend for me."

Emmeline poured them both tea and then brought it to the table. Maybe after her panic the night before she felt easier with Sirius and that's why this was easier to talk about. She wasn't going to talk about singing with him – how it had felt to sing her mother's songs at her mother's funeral, or the duet she had done with her mother at her father's funeral, or that song that she had written for all the dead – but it just felt like relief to speak about this with anyone. It had been so long since she had had a friend to talk with.

She should ask about him, she realized. It wasn't all about her in the least. He was being supportive and listening, the least she could do would be the same for him. But how could she just ask him about private, personal things? She didn't want to offend him. "Um, if you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here if you need to do that," she stumbled, then smacked herself mentally.

Thankfully, he was chuckling at her. "Thanks Emm."

"No, I mean..." she started, struggling with the right words. People were hard and she hadn't had a lot of practice in the last... well, thirteen years if she was being honest with herself. "I mean, thank you. For dealing with me. I know it's not easy. And I just wanted you to know that if you need someone to talk to about anything, I'm here for you. I mean obviously after Remus, because you would of course talk to him first, but if he's not around or something..." _You're babbling_ , she scolded herself. _Knock that off._

"Really," he insisted, giving her a slight smile that managed to reassure her. "Thank you. I know what you mean."

She grinned at him sheepishly. "I'm a bit out of practice with people."

He shrugged. "I can say the same. Prison didn't exactly teach me how to be nice."

"Right," Emmeline said. "Well, I'm going to head home to get changed." Sirius sat up and narrowed his eyes at her and she shook her head. "I'm not running, don't worry. I just need to change clothes. I'll come back later tonight with dinner, how about that?"

Sirius nodded and Emmeline tried another smile, a real one this time, at him before she left.

Today was a good day, she thought as she apparated back to her castle on the outskirts of Falmouth. Last night had been rough but Sirius, bless him, didn't seem to begrudge her for her panic. She remembered holding his hand all night until she must have fallen asleep. It had grounded her, centered her in a way that she hadn't felt in years. She couldn't cling to him every night, of course, but it was nice to know that it had helped.

She changed into a warmer set of pants and a sweater once she was home. She didn't like being home, not any more. She had come back from Argentina a few years before and had immediately missed it, but the strange rumors coming out of Hogwarts made her want to be around. Not for herself, not because she thought that she could turn the tide of what she knew was to come, but to be there for Lily's son.

As always, the moment she thought about Lily a wave of emotion swept over her. Lily had been her best friend at school, especially after fifth year when Snape had been awful. It had been Emmeline that explained to Lily in first year why 'Mudblood' was such an awful thing to say to anyone, and it had been Emmeline Lily had turned to in fifth year when Snape had called her that. They had been friends in the interim of course, partnering in class for projects and potions, but after OWLs in fifth year and that terrible day, Lily and Emmeline had become inseperable.

It had been Lily who had found Emmeline sobbing after the death of her father in the Owlery, and Lily who had made her eat and take care of herself after she had return to Hogwarts following the funeral. And it had been Lily who had accompanied Emmeline to Cassiopeia's funeral and held her as she had sobbed for her family, Lily who had assured her that she wasn't alone, Lily who brought her home for spring break that year and welcomed her into her family as a sister.

Of course, Emmeline didn't feel stable enough to offer to do the same for Harry, to her eternal shame. She had seen him in passing over the summer at Grimmauld Place but whereas Sirius managed to have a great relationship with his best friend's son (oh Merlin, the two of them together... when she had first seen them she had been unable to breathe for a few seconds because of how much they looked like the Sirius and James that she remembered from school), Emmeline couldn't bring herself to even try to interact with the boy. His green eyes had caught her once and she had clenched her hands hard enough to dig her fingernails into her palms and draw blood to stop herself from wailing at the sight of Lily's eyes.

Emmeline fetched another set of clean clothes out of her wardrobe. She didn't much feel like staying home alone tonight either, especially after thinking of Lily like that. Maybe Sirius wouldn't mind if she stayed again. Order members stayed the night fairly often, she knew, and surely he would understand why she was asking. Maybe she could even tune that piano for him, the gorgeous old instrument in the sitting room.

That thought went far enough before she stopped it that she ended up dropping a sweater onto the floor from how much her hands were shaking. "Stop that," she told herself, talking to her mirror. "It's just a piano, it's not going to hurt you. Calm down."

Despite her scolding, her hands continued to shake as she thought about the piano. It looked like it hadn't been touched in years and she desperately wanted to brush her fingers across the keys, to make a song sing out from the old wood, to sit at the bench and let her hands trail across the cool ivory... those same hands that were trembling enough to make her arms shake as well.

Emmeline scowled at herself, ignoring the pale skin that had lost even more color at the thought of playing the piano and the eyes that burned with exhaustion despite the good sleep from the night before. She wouldn't get better from playing the piano, not if it cause her this much fear to even think about it. The last time she had played the piano had been at a shady bar in Argentina and it had been out of desperation and it had _not_ gone well. That time had ended with her sobbing over the keys until the bartender gently shoved her outside.

No. No piano. She was holding together just fine without music, and she would continue to do so until she died. That was what she had resolved about first singing, after the disaster of the first memorial thirteen years ago, and that was what she had next resolved about the piano after the nightmare of breaking down in an Argentinian bar.

Time to get back to Grimmauld Place and have Sirius distract her before her mind had more time to make her remember things.

Before she went back to Sirius's place she stopped at the grocery store and picked up the things to make cookies. Baking sounded like a good thing to do, especially on a day where she was starting to feel unstable. Baking would help her be stable. Plus, she could do something nice for Sirius and make cookies for the rest of the Order as well. No one could say no to cookies.

When she got back to Grimmauld Place and let herself in it was nearly three in the afternoon. Perfect time for cookies. She went right on through to the kitchen and ran into Molly Weasley. "Oh sorry," she said before she could stop herself. It would have been better just to back out of the kitchen and not have to deal with the Weasley matron at all rather than speak to her. "I'll come back later."

Molly turned around and looked at Emmeline with concern, clearly taking in her haggard appearance and wild hair. "Nonsense," Molly scolded. "Come, sit. I've got some cider mulling on the stove, let me get you a cup."

"That's really not necessary," Emmeline said, almost stuttering her words from how fast she was speaking. "I was just going to make cookies, but I'll come back later, like I said."

Molly paused in what she was doing and fixed Emmeline with a look that could only be described as a Mum look. "Dear, are you avoiding me?"

"No?" Emmeline said, wincing as it came out as more of a squeak with a question on the end.

"Why?" Molly asked. "Have I done something to offend you?" Oh Merlin, she sounded upset at the idea. _Get out of there_! Emmeline's self preservation instincts screamed at her. Had she been a little more rational, she might have realized she was overdoing it more than a little with the dramatics.

"No no, not at all," Emmeline said immediately. "It's more... nothing at all, actually." She stowed her bag of cookie-making things in the fridge and then turned and fled, trying to not actually run, and didn't stop until she reached Sirius's room. She opened the door and let herself in quickly, not bothering to knock.

"Hello, Emm," Sirius drawled. She looked around from where she was leaning against the now closed door and tried not to squeak as she saw him standing in front of his dresser in a state of partial undress. He was shirtless and buttoning up his pants, and she couldn't help but look over his pale skin. He was still malnourished from Azkaban – she suspected distantly that he might never regain his former bad-boy, sleek and sexy glory that he had had at Hogwarts – but he wasn't exactly bad on the eyes either. Lean muscles filled out his frame, along with old scars and a tattoo on his hip that she couldn't quite make out. "Enjoying the view?" He asked, humor evident in his tone.

"Oh absolutely," she agreed before her brain caught up with her mouth. "Uh, wait – "

He barked out a laugh before she could continue. "What'd you come barging in here for without knocking, anyway?" He asked, pulling a shirt on. A not-small part of Emmeline was disappointed, but a tiny part of her recognized some self-consciousness in the way he moved, the way he had kind of flinched when she had looked at him, the way he was kind of avoiding her eyes now.

"Oh," Emmeline said, ducking her head down as a blush spread across her cheeks. "I was hiding from Molly."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "What for?"

"Well, I bought things to make cookies and I wanted to surprise you with cookies when you came down to the kitchen but she was in there and she was being _nice_ to me and trying to fix me cider and then she asked if she'd done something to offend me but _obviously_ she hasn't and so I had to run away," Emmeline said, the words pouring out of her and gasping a little for air at the end of her run on sentence. "And I came up here," she finished lamely. "I should have knocked, sorry."

Sirius shook his head. "It's fine. I might be playing devil's advocate here, but why is Molly being nice to you a bad thing?"

"Because of Fabian," Emmeline said before she could stop herself. Then she paused and blinked. She hadn't said that name for years.

Thankfully, Sirius didn't push it and Emmeline was able to get control of herself in pieces. Her hands shook and she balled them into fists and crossed her arms, stuffing her hands into her armpits to make them stay still. "You alright, Emm?" Sirius asked after a moment, watching her closely.

She gave him a brittle smile. "Please don't ask." She thought frantically for a moment, searching for any other topic of conversation. "That piano downstairs, what kind is it?" Well that was a stupid topic to bring up.

"It's a Bechstein, I think."

"Isn't that a muggle brand?"

Sirius nodded. "Family history says it was a gift from someone in Germany in the late eighteen hundreds. Back before the family got too crazy with the blood purity nonsense. I mean, we were never allowed to bring home muggle-borns and marry them, but they were more than welcome to give us gifts." His mouth twisted wryly and Emmeline got a good idea of what he thought of that particular aspect of the family history.

However, now she wanted to play it even more. Bechstein was an amazing brand – even the Beatles, Emmeline's old school favorite, were said to have used one in recordings. "When was the last time it was played?"

Sirius shrugged. "Twenty years ago at least. My mother tried to get Regulus and me to play but I resisted anything that she tried to make me do and Regulus was never that good at it."

Emmeline didn't say anything to that. Poor piano, not having been played in years. "Let's go make cookies," she said instead of continuing that line of thought. "Molly looked like she was getting ready to leave." Which was a total lie, but maybe it would be true by the time they got down there.

Soon enough Emmeline was elbow deep in cookie dough. Molly had indeed left the kitchen, though there was a pot of mulled cider still warming over the embers of the fire. Emmeline ignored it out of guilt and Sirius also appeared not to notice it, though whether that was due to guilt or some other feeling Emmeline wasn't sure.

After beating the eggs and sugar into submission she added chocolate chips and flour, swatting at Sirius when he came to steal the chocolate. "Don't you dare," she scolded him.

He swiped two anyway. "The last time I stole chocolate chips was from Marlene and she actually hit me. You're not threatening."

Emmeline stuck her nose up in the air haughtily. "Mum said hitting was rude and ladies don't hit." Briefly she noted his mention of Marlene, much like her mention of Fabian earlier. A shadow had crossed his face a second after he said her name but now he seemed just as ready to laugh and joke as she was. It had been fourteen years, after all. Perhaps it was time to let the past go a little.

Sirius snorted at the comment. "Marlene was more a force of nature than a lady, so your mum was probably right."

Emmeline smiled at him before throwing a chocolate chip at him. It hit him on the nose and she stuck her sugary hands up in the air. "Ten points to Beater Vance of Gryffindor!" Keep things light, keep them fun, that was the key to not panicking about the past, at least for her.

Before she knew it there was an all out war going on. Casualties included formerly clean pots and pans, knocked over chairs, and a flour-covered table. Emmeline had Sirius cornered next to the door, wielding nothing more than a handful of half-mixed cookie dough, when she chucked it at him just as Remus walked through the archway into the kitchen. Emmeline watched, a horrified laugh on her lips, as Remus took the fist-sized clod of dough right to the face. He stood there blinking for a few seconds before looking at her and raising an eyebrow, flour falling from his face.

She couldn't help her giggle. "Sorry."

"I am delighted you two are having fun," Remus drawled. Emmeline stepped forward to help him brush the flour off when Sirius smashed an egg in her hair. She whirled around, dripping egg. "OY!" She yelped. "Get back here!"

Remus got in on it this time. By the time Emmeline had run out of ammunition (she had taken Sirius's idea and grabbed the carton of eggs) the kitchen was an absolute mess and cookie dough was everywhere except the bowl. They all paused simultaneously, realizing at the same time that all the firepower was gone. Emmeline had a wild grin on her face and flour and egg in her hair (Merlin, but that was going to be an absolute nightmare to get out) and Sirius didn't look much better. Remus had added egg and flour to his robes but with the exception of the initial cookie dough attack to the face, he was mostly unmarked.

"We should probably clean this up before anyone wants dinner," Remus suggested in the pause.

Emmeline sighed and agreed. Sirius grabbed the last of the cookie dough and rescued it before Remus and Emmeline turned their wands to the kitchen and set to cleaning. "Much easier than the last time I had to clean up a food fight," Remus commented.

Emmeline grinned. "Was that the one in fourth year? When your punishment was to clean the whole of the Great Hall by hand?"

"I'd be touched you remember, except I'm still trying to get the vanilla custard out from underneath my fingernails," Remus said dryly. Sirius laughed over in the corner and Emmeline grinned at the two of them, feeling lighter than she had in weeks, if not months or years. It was great to still be able to do something completely juvenile and stupid like a food fight despite the darkness and madness of the world around them. She stole a bit of cookie dough from Sirius and popped it in her mouth, the chocolate and sugar and butter tasting sweeter than ever.


	5. Chapter 5

At Remus's suggestion and Emmeline's encouragement, Sirius decided to throw a small Halloween party. It was a much better thing to do than to dwell on the events of fourteen years ago, when Halloween had had a tragic turn. There weren't many people able to attend this one, though Tonks had promised to be there for as long as she could manage, as had Hestia Jones. Still, Sirius was looking forward to the event. The past Halloweens he had spent either on the run or locked up in Azkaban, and neither option had been great for his thoughts.

Emmeline had been spending more and more time at Grimmauld Place since the food fight. Sirius was very happy about that, since she gave him someone to talk to who he didn't have to explain things to. Moony was still his best friend of course, there were no doubts about that, but Sirius often felt like he owed Remus an explanation, even when he knew he didn't. But Emmeline... he didn't feel like he owed her anything. All he ever got from her was quiet acceptance, and he loved her for it. And she seemed to be enjoying their time together as well. He was getting better at knowing when she was feeling like running and he was getting better at talking with her about his Azkaban days.

It wasn't that he wanted to talk about being in prison, exactly. Quite the opposite. But it helped, he realized, especially during one night when they had stayed up until the early hours of the morning and both had dozed off on the couches. He had been having a bad nightmare, his cousin's terrible laugh echoing around in his head, Bellatrix screaming about killing Harry, killing the only link to James he had left, and then Harry turned into James and Peter was there and stabbed him with a knife, and oh Merlin that wasn't how anything happened but it was real, it was _real_ , _it was real_ , until cool, gentle hands woke him up, Emmeline's quiet voice bringing him back to reality.

" _Emm?" he had asked, eyes wild around the edges and breathing shallow._

" _Shh, Sirius, you were having a nightmare," she had calmed him, her dark eyes staring into his grey ones. Her hands were on his cheeks, steadying him though he could feel her trembling, helping him keep eye contact with her. "Just focus on me, it's okay, everything's okay..."_

" _She's... He's..." Sirius started, his voice hoarse from fear. His heart was racing, he could feel it, pushing his blood faster and faster in his veins and making him want to run to Azkaban and tear her apart with his hands, making him want to race to Hogwarts to ensure Harry was alright, making him want to hunt the rat and string him up and make his dying take days, making him want to hide in a corner and sob until he felt human again._

" _He's not here and she's locked up, shh, Sirius, shh," Emmeline said. She had leaned forward and pulled him into a gentle hug, tentative like she had forgotten how to do it, and he had let her put his head on her shoulder. He had breathed in the sweet, comforting scent of her hair and she had smoothed his own hair with a soft and shaking hand, long strokes lulling him slightly. She had kept up her whispered reassurances, low and gentle, the cadence of her words sounding almost like a song. "Easy, it was a nightmare, easy now, it's okay. She's not here, she's locked up, Harry's safe. Easy now, easy Sirius. Harry's safe. It's okay, it's okay. Harry's safe."_

 _He had fallen asleep again like that on the couch, cradled in her arms, and it wasn't until morning broke that he woke up. Against all odds he felt a small smile spread across his face and hope swell up in his chest like a warming spell when he realized that she was still there. She hadn't run, despite his expectations and probably her own as well. He had draped her with a blanket and tucked it close to her, moving a pillow around for her to rest her head on, and had gone to start breakfast._

They had only gotten closer from there. Soon enough Emmeline was spending every night at Grimmauld Place. She had brought some things over and stashed them in the chest of drawers in what Sirius was quickly starting to think of as her room. More often than not though, they just fell asleep on the couch together.

Emmeline didn't have guard duty very often, Sirius had discovered. They hadn't talked about why, exactly, but Sirius guessed that it probably had something to do with how much she shook whenever something serious came up. He was learning quickly which topics were safer and which ones weren't, but she seemed to be getting more and more open with him as well.

She had promised to come help him set up for the party tonight as well. He had sent her out with a last minute list of things when she had left earlier that day – it chafed him that he couldn't just run to the shops on his own, but she didn't seem to mind being asked to get things. In the interim he cleaned, glaring at Kreacher when he showed up and sent the elf back to his nest in the cabinet.

Emmeline returned at half past two with bags spilling over in her arms. Sirius hurried to help her carry everything and she kicked the door shut behind her, cutting off the cold wind from outside. Her face was flushed over her scarf and she shucked off her coat. "It's bloody _freezing_ outside," she said. He could hear a slight stutter in her words and when he looked at her, her teeth were chattering from the cold.

"Come into the kitchen," he offered, nodding his head that direction. "Fire's roaring and I've got some cider mulling." He also had wine mulling for later, but she had shown a slight aversion to alcohol he had picked up on, and thought that especially for half past two in the afternoon, cider might be a better option.

She followed him with a smile on her face and soon they were both seated at the long kitchen table, steaming mugs in front of them. Emmeline wrapped her hands around her mug and leaned close to breathe in the steam rising from it. "So," she asked after she had stopped shivering from the cold, "what exactly is the plan for tonight?"

"Food and talking," Sirius replied promptly. Those were the two things he thought necessary for a party, and beyond that he hadn't gotten very far. It had been years since he had thrown a party, after all. "I figured Order members were going to come and go throughout the evening, but I know they're expecting something nasty from the Death Eaters. It is an anniversary," he added with a wry twist to his mouth that was absolutely not a grin.

Emmeline nodded, expression going somber. "I was thinking about that. Fourteen years," she paused and took a sip of her cider. "Merlin, I miss them."

The touch of loneliness in her voice was enough to break Sirius's heart, not that he wasn't already an emotional mess from the day and the remembrance. He reached out and put his hand over hers, offering her a warm, understanding smile. "I know."

Something flashed across her face as he watched her. She looked down at his hand before turning her own over and giving his fingers a light squeeze. "Thank you." She laughed slightly at his confusion. "I mean, I think you know better than anyone how I feel on Halloween. She was my best friend. He was yours. And neither one of us have really been able to move on." She immediately blushed and looked down which got a tiny smile from him. That was remarkably candid for her and he appreciated it more than he could say.

They set to cooking shortly after that, once the cider was gone. Emmeline made cookies (which they didn't end up throwing at each other this time) while Sirius oversaw a large roast on the fire. He burned the outsides and the inside was probably going to be a little tough – he was no Molly in the kitchen – but it still turned out fine enough. Emmeline ate a chunk of it without making a face, at least, and that was going to be good enough for now.

It was around six and a perfect time for dinner when Remus showed up. He had a bottle of champagne that Sirius immediately put in the refrigerator for late. Emmeline kissed Remus on the cheek in welcome and got him a glass of mulled wine at his request. She offered one to Sirius as well and he accepted happily. He did notice that she stuck to the cider but resolved to ask her about that later. He remembered vaguely from before the world changed that she had been a great wine aficionado, helped in no small part by the large wine cellar her family had kept.

Tonks showed up as well shortly after that and Sirius stifled a snicker as Remus rushed to fetch her a glass of wine and a slice of the roast. Emmeline nudged Sirius with her shoulder, making him raise an eyebrow at her. "Don't you laugh at him," she scolded in a whisper.

"I'm not," he responsed, bumping her shoulder back. "It just reminds me of when he went gooey-eyed over Alice in fourth year. He ran into a doorpost one time when he was trying to pull out her chair for her in class."

Emmeline giggled. "I remember that. Still," she said in a chiding tone, "he's a gentleman when he courts a lady. Don't make fun of him for that."

Sirius rolled his eyes. He hadn't been laughing _at_ Remus, exactly, but it was fun to be scolded by Emmeline. It made him feel like he was back in school. "Yes Mum," he sighed, making a pout out of it.

Emmeline's eyes widened in horror and she recoiled, slightly more than was strictly necessary. "You really think I'm like your mum?"

"What?" Sirius started, before he bit his lip. Oh shit. She thought he was being serious?" "Emm, no – " he started, before she dissolved into giggles. "Oy, that was uncalled for."

"Nah," she shook her head, still giggling. "You should have seen your face." He shook his head at her and she sauntered off to say a proper hello to Tonks.

Order members dropped in throughout the night. The Weasleys put in an appearance (and Molly complimented the roast, which made Sirius duck his head and mumble something incoherent. She was a nice woman, she really was) , as did Moody for all of ten minutes. Even Professor McGonagall stopped by for a few moments. She and Emmeline chatted for a short while before the professor took off again. They had always gotten along quite well, Sirius remembered.

As the evening wound to a close, Sirius felt himself getting more and more somber. His responses to questions got shorter and he found himself staring into the fire often. For all his good intentions of having a fun, distracting time on this anniversary, it wasn't working as the actual time drew closer. He looked up when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder and found Emmeline looking down at him with gentle brown eyes. "Everyone's taken off," she said, gesturing around the empty kitchen.

"Ah, shit," he said, swiping a hand across his face. "Sorry. I didn't mean to get all moody."

Emmeline shrugged. "I was doing it too. I looked up a few minutes ago and noticed that everyone was gone. I figured I'd snap you out of it before we lost the whole night starting into flames."

He gave her a weak smile and nodded. "Mind if I have another cup of wine? I figure we should leave Moony's champagne until sometime after midnight. Where'd he go, anyway?"

She smiled. "I saw him offer to walk Tonks home about an hour ago. I suppose that is going well."

Sirius snorted. "Sly dog."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "I thought that was you."

"Nah," he said with a grin, standing up to fetch more wine. "I'm the straightforward kind of dog. Can I get you some wine, Emm?"

A variety of expressions flickered across her face before she shrugged and looked away. "Why not? It is an anniversary."

Sirius paused next to the cauldron of mulled wine. "You know you don't have to drink wine if you don't want to. There's still lots of cider, or we could make hot cocoa or something."

"No," she said, clasping her hands together in a motion he had come to recognize as one meant to stop her shaking. "It's past time I was able to enjoy a glass of wine with an old friend."

"If you're sure," he said, still hesitating. At her nod, he fetched her a pottery mug and filled it.

"Thanks," she said when he gave it to her. She sniffed at it and smiled gently. "I had a bit of a problem with alcohol after the war. Mostly firewhiskey, but I've avoided alcohol since then. I did miss wine though – not getting drunk, just the smell and the feeling of having a glass of wine with a friend."

She had looked away from him when she said that, staring down into her wine like it held unimaginable secrets. "Hey," he said, getting her attention. "We all have our ways of dealing with our demons. If I hadn't been locked up, I would have probably done the exact same. Marlene always said I drank too much anyway." He was getting better at masking the flinch he couldn't help every time he said her name.

"Tell you what," Emmeline offered after a few seconds of silence. "You keep an eye on me, and I'll keep an eye on you. That way we won't get carried away."

Sirius nodded. "Deal."

She offered him a smile then and he returned it. Slowly she picked up her mug as he watched and took a sip of it, closing her eyes in pleasure. Sirius had picked a good vintage for the wine and he could tell she was enjoying it. Then he realized he was staring at her and blinked before looking away. They were having a moment – it was not time to be staring at her like some teenage boy confronted with a pretty girl for the first time.

She was pretty though, especially in the firelight, he couldn't help but notice. The bright orange flames gave her dark brown hair a glowing golden sheen that looked absolutely lovely with her pale skin. The fire also added a warm cast to her face, warming her cheeks and lighting up the planes of her face beautifully. The dusty blue sweater she was wearing was a good color for her as well, and it was cut low enough that he could see just the barest hint of a shadow of cleavage.

Yeah. It had been a long time since he had been with a woman. He was staring at one of his only friends like she was a drink of cool water in a desert and the moment he realized that, he wrenched his gaze away.

Thankfully, it didn't appear that she had noticed. "This is good," she said, taking another small sip of her wine.

"Your family wasn't the only one to keep a well stocked wine cellar," he managed to say, burying his blush in a gulp of his own wine. "Mum considered it the mark of a good family to do so. Then she would start yelping about status and I would quit listening."

"I can't imagine what that must have been like," Emmeline commented quietly. He gave her a quizzical look and she shrugged. "My mum... I mean, I told you. My mum was perfect. It's just strange to hear about your family and compare your mum with mine. Not that I'm trying to compare them," she hastened to add.

"I get it," Sirius said. He really did. James had done the same thing before, as had Marlene. "How did a family of maniacs produce a normal human being, is what you're thinking?"

Emmeline snorted at that. "Normal might be a stretch, but yes, essentially."

"James," Sirius said simply. "He put so much faith in me that I couldn't help but have some in myself too. That's what he did for everyone around him. Me and Moony and that rat... hell, even the rat. James made you want to be better because he thought you were worth something. Not just something. He thought you were worth everything." Sirius took another gulp of wine. "I was never that great, but he made me want to be."

When he dared a look at her, Emmeline was nodding. "I can understand that. He was larger than life, at least the way I remember him." She paused and finished off her own wine before collecting both their cups and refilling them over at the cauldron. "He just had so much love and acceptance to give to people. I never had a problem seeing it like that, even though Lily just thought he was an arrogant ass most of the time."

"He never had any love or acceptance for Snivellus," Sirius said, just to be fair. He took his cup from her with murmured thanks.

Emmeline snorted at that, no humor in the sound. "Some people don't deserve love or acceptance. After Lily and Snape had their falling out at the end of fifth year, she told me more and more that made me uncomfortable about him. She told him no, that she had had enough of what he was becoming and didn't want anything else to do with him, and he wouldn't hear it. All through that summer he wrote her, showed up at her house... That was the summer after my dad died so I was caught up with helping my mum, but some of the things Lily said were enough to make me worried for her, and I did tell her that she should come to my place. Nothing ever happened, but people who won't hear no when it's said deserve no love or acceptance."

Emmeline shivered and looked at Sirius, the old fear still clear in her eyes. "He was _fixated_ on her. It was creepy and scary, even though she tried to put a brave face on everything. 'He's harmless,' she told me again and again, 'he would never hurt me.' I ended up going to McGonagall in sixth year to talk with her and let her know what was happening and she was just as disgusted as I was. After all that came to light, I didn't resent James for a moment for tormenting Snape. In all honesty, I loved him a little bit for it."

Emmeline fell silent. "I didn't know most of that," Sirius commented slowly. "There was always bad blood between James and Snivellus, anyone could see that, but a Gryffindor and a Slytherin, I guess that's to be expected. But all that with Lily..."

"I would see him staring at her sometimes," Emmeline said. "Just staring, across the dining hall or in class. After fifth year I started watching him more because what she had told me made me worried and then I realized just how much he watched her. I think she was scared too but she didn't want to do anything because... because I don't know. I know Dumbledore says he changed and came over to our side but she's still dead and I can't help but feel like he had something to do with that. He was _obsessed_ with her, Sirius, and it terrified me." She shivered again and then wrapped her hands more firmly around her pottery mug. "Let's talk about something else. Snape is a depressing subject."

Sirius laughed a little at that. "Couldn't agree with you more." He hunted for a topic of conversation and they sat in silence. It was a nice silence though, comfortable and warm, unlike most kinds of silences. There was something about Emmeline that comforted him. "I wanted to thank you," he said eventually. "For the other night."

She looked at him quizzically and he shrugged. "When I was having the nightmare. You woke me up and made everything okay."

That got a gentle smile from her. "We all have our demons, right? I've had my share of nightmares. They're best if you get snapped out of them before you get too lost in the fear."

She was still being remarkably candid, especially compared to the shut down woman he had dealt with not long before. "You seem good, Emm," he commented.

She paused, then nodded slightly. "I think I am. You help. And..." she looked down and away, "and the war helps too, which is terrible. Even if I'm not doing much, it's still a relief to have some outward thing to focus on, not just my own problems."

Sirius nodded in understanding. Last time this had happened he had been turned into a soldier, dispatched on Dumbledore's orders to do what needed done. In a way, he had never gotten past that. He had lingered in Azkaban with the knowledge that he was innocent and then, the moment he got a whiff of the rat, he was on the hunt again. He had had a purpose, and then that purpose had turned into guarding Harry during the past year as best as he could, and then he had been involved in the refounding of the Order, and now... now he was on hiatus. He couldn't go out of the house, he didn't even have his wand.

"I just feel so awful for even thinking that," Emmeline continued, swirling her wine around in her mug. "Like I was useless in the thirteen years in the interim. Like all I was ever good for was patrol and fighting something. Like I lose myself to my own problems if there isn't some outside threat to fight against."

"Hey hey," Sirius said, trying to calm her before she really got to ranting. He reached forward and took her hand, surprising both of them. "Don't go down that path. That way lies madness."

She took a deep, bracing breath. "I know. Thank you. Fabian used to keep me sane but... well." She drained the last of her wine – where had that gone? he wondered, though his own was nearly done as well – and set the cup back down on the table.

"Let's take a break for now," Sirius said, finishing off his own wine and setting his much down with a deliberate click next to hers. "Before we're both soppy and drunk." She nodded at that and he offered her a hand when he stood up. "Let's go to the sitting room. It's much more comfortable."

They meandered into the sitting room. Sirius noticed that she hadn't let go of his hand during their walk but decided not to mention it – it was wonderful, he thought, to have a solid reminder of a person there with him. Just like he had been there for her the last time she had shut down. Just like she had been there for him when he had the nightmare. Touch was something that he had been without for so long that he forgot how much it was settling, how much he craved it.

They sat together on the couch and Emmeline pointed her wand at the fireplace, shooting flames at the logs stacked there. Her aim was a little wild and almost hit the mantle, but she doused that instantly with a jet of water. "You saw nothing," she said, an elegant sneer on her face.

He snorted at her. "You're drunk."

"You're drunk!" She shot back before giggling. "I feel ridiculous to be drunk off of two mugs of wine."

"Well," Sirius said with a raised eyebrow. "Just imagine how I feel." She giggled and tucked herself into his arm, resting her head on his chest. She was warm and her hair smelled like strawberries and he sighed, peaceful. They rested like that, curled up together, long enough that he lost track of time.

The moment was broken by the chime of the clock striking midnight. "Happy anniversary," she murmured.

"I think it's time for the champagne," Sirius said, hauling himself up off the couch. He didn't stumble too much as he went to the kitchen, only having to catch himself against the wall once because the world was just not quite keeping up with his eyes. He fetched two champagne glasses and the chilled bottle, wondering for a second if he should wait for Moony. Then he grinned – if Remus was planning on coming back tonight, he would have done so already. That was a story to get out of him later.

He brought his finding back to the sitting room and popped the cork once he was seated on the couch again. He poured the bubbly into the two glasses and offered one to Emmeline, who took it mechanically. She looked a little odd but Sirius attributed that to the moment. "To Lily and James," he toasted, clinking his glass up against hers.

They brought their glasses to their lips and Sirius was just about to drink when Emmeline gave a little shudder and then burst into tears, barely managing to get her glass back onto the table to avoid dropping it. "Woah!" Sirius said, setting his own glass down hastily and putting his hands on her shoulders to steady her. "Easy, Emm, easy."

She whimpered, a terrible, small noise that broke his heart and he pulled her forward, letting her sob on him. He had no idea what brought this on – it seemed more than just the anniversary. Then again, maybe it wasn't. Maybe she hadn't really let go in years. "Shh," he said, trying to emulate the tone she had used when he had been terrified from his nightmare. "Shh, Emm, it's okay."

She hiccuped. "It's _not_ , Sirius, it's _not_." She sniffed. "It's not even Lily and James, as terrible as that is."

"Emm, you can talk to me," Sirius said. He really did want to know what was going on with her. She had been doing so well – hell, she had just agreed with him about that!

"It's Fabian. And champagne. And the memories... oh god, the memories. I just want to be okay, and I can't even smell champagne without remembering how he was killed."

"What?" Sirius asked. She wasn't making much sense but she did seem like she wanted to talk about it... maybe. He couldn't quite tell.

She sniffed again and wiped her nose on a handkerchief she pulled from her robes. "He was killed getting me a bottle of champagne." She fumbled with a chain around her neck and pulled it out. Sirius could barely make out what was hanging from the chain in the dim light, but when he reached out to touch it he could tell instantly it was a ring, sharp and glittering with diamonds. "We were engaged."

"I didn't know that," Sirius said. This was something he had to tread carefully with, he knew instantly. It seemed like a story she had buried down for fourteen years.

"No one did, except Gideon. For all of an hour, we were. It was so stupid of me, because after he proposed I decided I wanted champagne. I wanted something to be normal, a normal engagement celebration like my parents had had, with a damn bottle of champagne." The words were pouring out of her and Sirius stared at her, sympathy and sadness warring inside him for first place.

"I was putting on my coat to go out the door when he stopped me," she continued. "' _My fiancee deserves the best_ ,' he said, kissing me. ' _Wait here. I'll get it._ ' I smiled and laughed and blushed... I was so stupid. I insisted he take Gideon because being alone wasn't safe, and the two of them headed out. They took a long time, longer than they should have done, and I got worried. I grabbed my cloak and traced their steps to the local store and found them dead in an alley. Fabian had his hand gripping a bottle of champagne that had shattered on the ground. The alley stank of it, and curse fire, and blood."

She stopped and blinked, more tears glistening down her cheeks in the firelight as she stared at the ring. "I don't remember much after that. I just remember sobbing for days, drinking myself into oblivion, and singing terribly at their funeral. I couldn't even bring myself to tell anyone why they had gone out, that we were engaged." She hiccuped again and took a deep, bracing breath. "And now you know. The first person in fourteen years."

"Thank you," he said quietly, putting a steadying hand on her cheek. "Thank you for trusting me." It seemed like the right thing to say. It seemed like something James would say. Hell, it was something James _had_ said, that night years ago that Sirius had turned up on his doorstep at three in the morning, soaking wet in the summer rain, anger burning in his eyes and fear shaking in his hands. Prongs had taken him in without question but then the whole story had poured out of Sirius – James had known that Sirius's home life wasn't the best, but apparently, that summer night that bled into morning all those years ago, that had been the night for the whole truth. And rather than judgement, James had just said ' _Course you can stay here, as long as you want_ ' and made him up a spare room while Sirius took a scalding hot shower. And then James had thanked Sirius for trusting him with what had happened, and that pure and perfect lack of judgement, that complete acceptance, had broken him and he had sobbed on Prongs just like Emmeline was doing on him now.

She was still crying and so he pulled her into another embrace, the champagne sitting forgotten on the table. He made soothing noises and brushed his hand through her hair until she calmed down. When he went to move he realized she had fallen asleep and so, with a slight smile (there was that trust again, trust enough to fall asleep around someone) he picked her up. He was still a little wobbly from the wine earlier but he managed to make his way up the stairs while carrying her.

He stopped at what he thought of as her room and looked in. It was so cold, black and grey and austere, and he frowned at it. At some other point he would get a colorful blanket, maybe stick up some posters to brighten the place up. For now though... he paused, thoughtful. He didn't want her waking up in some cell of grey and black, not after the emotional night she had just had.

With just a few second's more thought, he turned and carried her up to his room. He tucked her into his bed, pulling the covers up tight, and hoped that when she woke up, she would see herself surrounded by color (and those muggle bikini girls she had laughed at before) and know that he was there for her. With that in mind he stole a blanket and two pillows and went down to the couch, falling asleep where they had just been sitting.


	6. Chapter 6

When Emmeline woke up she immediately stifled a whimper from the headache she had. It had been so long since she had anything to drink she had forgotten what a hangover really felt like even if, she knew, this one wasn't that bad. She opened her eyes slowly, glad that the windows had curtains drawn over them. Then she blinked.

She was not in her usual room at Grimmauld Place. She recognized this room as Sirius's – the bikini clad muggle girls on the walls made that immediately apparent. She was curled up in the sheets on his bed but he wasn't here. Still, she breathed in the smell of him and buried her face into his pillow, remembering the previous night.

She had never talked about Fabian, not with _anyone_. Even when Molly Weasley had pleaded with her to tell her how her brothers died just before the funeral, Emmeline hadn't been able to talk about it. Back then she had been shell-shocked and horrified, fearful and guilty. The world had been a dark and terrible place where good people died at the hand of evil and there hadn't been a damn thing anyone could do about it.

Emmeline ran her fingers along the chain around her neck until she found the ring. It was beautiful and simple – goblin-made of course, out of platinum woven into a complicated knot pattern and tiny, sparkling diamonds set in the hollows of the knot. It had been Fabian's mother's ring, a family heirloom passed down for three hundred years. She stared at it before kissing it and tucking it back under her shirt.

She still couldn't believe that she had told Sirius that whole story. It was time to do something nice for him, since he had been so good about putting up with her. With that in mind she got out of bed, rubbing the sleep and remnants of tears from her eyes and slipping a blanket around her shoulders. It smelled like him and she smiled a little. He was so different from the dark haired and wicked eyed boy she had been acquainted with years ago. That Sirius had been a wild thing, like a tiger on a leash, lashing out and seeking acceptance all at the same time.

This Sirius... well, he was still dark haired and wicked eyed, but rather than a tiger on a leash, he was a caring and compassionate man. She peered into the sitting room as she crept past on cat-quiet feet, smiling gently at the scene that met her eyes. He was sprawled out on the couch, a pair of mismatched pillows under his head and a quilt covering him up. The champagne from the night before had vanished and Emmeline realized that he must have cleared it away before sleeping. She appreciated that more than she could say.

She'd never been all that amazing in the kitchen but she did know a few things about frying bacon, so she set that cooking. She sliced up some bread for toast as well and that was almost done when Sirius wandered into the kitchen, loose fitting shirt rumpled like he'd slept in it. Which he had, she knew. "Morning," she greeted. "Breakfast is almost ready."

A grin lit up his face. "Thanks Emm. How, uh, how are you feeling?"

She paused for just a second, letting the emotions of the previous night wash over her and then dissipate. "Okay. Thank you. Again." Another pause as she dished up bacon onto two plates. "Do you want to go out today?"

"Out, you mean...?"

She gave him an amused smile. "Out like Falmouth. I know the weather's been atrocious but it's only going to get worse, and we might as well take advantage of the last of the good while we can." Merlin, that sounded like a statement within a statement.

He hesitated for a few seconds before agreeing with a shy grin. "I was hoping you'd ask, actually. Being in this house... it's not exactly healthy for me." He passed it off with a light laugh but Emmeline knew better. She had seen the haunted shadows behind his eyes growing during the approach to Halloween. It would be good for both of them to clear their heads and get out of here.

After breakfast Emmeline fetched her bag with the collar and leash in it, stifling giggles as she snapped the collar around Snuffle's neck. He'd told her to call him Snuffles – it was what Harry wrote to him as, apparently, and Emmeline thought that might have been the cutest thing she had heard all year. She donned her jacket and tucked her scarf in tightly. It had been cold lately and she knew that the coastline of Falmouth would be even worse than downtown London. She put on her gloves before taking hold of his leash and opening the door. They stepped out of the house and Emmeline apparated them to wizarding Falmouth.

They went strolling through the streets again after making their way to the muggle side of the city. Emmeline bought them tea at the same shop and Snuffles behaved himself perfectly, not even letting any tea drip out of his saucer on the floor. Emmeline had brought a book this time and she read it slowly, relaxing with the dog at her feet. It was hard not to feel safe and normal with him like this – something about having a dog the size of a small horse gave a girl a great boost of confidence.

She found a small boutique pet shop on their way down to the ocean and they stopped in there. She threw stuffed dog toys at Sirius and he glared at her as he caught them in his mouth. It seemed almost an involuntary reaction and she wondered how much being a dog made him have dog instincts. She bought him a pack of tennis balls just for fun and the girl behind the counter asked him to sit for a treat. Emmeline giggled as he offered a paw as well and the girl cooed over the 'well trained big beastie.'

They headed to the beach and she unclipped his leash. They hadn't run into anyone last time and the weather was even nastier today, a cold wind racing off the ocean and biting into her scarf and jacket and a light, stinging rain hitting her face. Sirius seemed to hardly feel it as he let out a happy bark and tore off down the beach after a grateful look at her. He set immediately to chasing seabirds and Emmeline followed at a more sedate pace, lips curling into a smile behind her scarf.

She walked along the edge of the ocean, dancing out of the way a few times as the waves lapped at her boots. The sea breeze tousled the stray remnants of hair that had escaped her braid and they whipped wildly around her face, becoming encrusted with salt from the ocean air.

Sirius charged back to her, a big happy dog smile on his face. She laughed at him and then chucked a tennis ball down the beach. He went racing after it and she snorted at his doggy antics. She threw the tennis ball a few times, only faking it once. When she pretended to throw it and he darted off she was laughing hard enough to catch his attention and he turned around and glared at her, barking. "What?" she asked him, pretending to be confused.

He growled at her and then jumped up, putting his paws on her shoulders and staring at her. Standing on his back legs he was a little taller than she was. "Sorry," she said, patting his head in apology. "I just wanted to see." That got another growl out of him and she threw the ball. He glared at her one more time and then ran off, kicking up sand in his wake.

Chuckling, she glanced around the beach to make sure there was still no one around. She didn't want people to see her dog acting very un-dog-like. There was no one ahead of them or to the side, but Emmeline stilled when she saw someone behind her watching them. Three someones. They were wearing long black cloaks which could mean they were either archaic muggles or wizards. Based on the way they were standing, with hands in their pockets, she was going to go with wizards. Though ice-cold adrenaline immediately rushed through her veins at the realization, she didn't make a big deal about it, simply turned and continued her walking.

Where had Sirius gone? There was no sign of the big dog when she turned around and suddenly she was cold for reasons other than knowing she was being followed. She couldn't take three on her own. Her immediate plan had been to grab Sirius and disapparate, but she couldn't do that if he wasn't next to her. And she was not leaving him. Even a few weeks ago she might have run, but she cared too much about him to just leave him. And she was done running, she realized as well. That was something to process another time though.

"Snuffles!" She called out. A speck of green ahead of her caught her attention – his tennis ball. Maybe he had seen the cloaked figures and gone to hide somewhere. That didn't seem like him but then again, he didn't have a wand.

When she turned around to check how close they were now, she yelped. They were about fifteen feet behind her. Though her mind was racing she tried an innocent smile. "You scared me!" She said with a light laugh, hoping her voice wasn't shaking. "Have you seen my dog?"

"No," the one in the middle said. It was hard to make out their faces in the depths of their hoods but she could tell this one was a man, probably middle aged. "We haven't seen your... dog."

Oh. They knew then. They knew that Sirius could change into a dog. That damn rat. She threw all appearances to be nice to the wind and bared her teeth in an aggressive smile "Well then, go to hell," she said, whipping her wand from her cloak and casting a hex with a loud bang.

Suddenly they were all fighting. Emmeline held her own with half-remembered training from years ago. She had always had a great shield charm and she thought that was what was saving her between her various offensive hexes. Still, she couldn't hold off three forever.

There wasn't even anywhere to hide. She didn't know if this was a planned attack or what, but there weren't any logs to jump behind to catch her breath and form a plan. It was just fight fight fight, no reprieve, no quarter. They worked well in tandem with each other, one shielding them while the other two pummeled her with hexes to try and break through her shield charm. They were backing her towards the ocean too, using that to pin her down. There was only so far she could back into the water before a wave sucked her in or she couldn't breath. And she knew she couldn't swim and cast spells at the same time.

Another step back and another – she felt the tide tugging at her legs and stumbled slightly. A shout from one of the Death Eaters – they had to be Death Eaters, she knew they had to be – made her glance up and then a wash of relief swept over her as she realized Sirius was there, still in his dog form, muzzle bloody as he bit down on the man and pinned him to the sand. The distraction cost her her concentration though, and a spell slipped through her defenses and caught her on the shoulder. She screamed and grabbed it, hot blood instantly meeting her fingers.

Sirius had pounced on another of the hooded figures. The third was still fighting Emmeline and she couldn't concentrate well through the pain. It was like hot lances of fire were shooting through her shoulder and she felt herself crying from it, feeling weak and useless, scared and helpless. Another spell slipped through her shield and she jumped to get out of the way but the jump cost her her balance and she was sucked under the water. "Sirius!" She screamed as she went down, before slamming her mouth shut and trying to save her air.

She had been in thigh-deep water and so when she went down it closed over her head. The salt stung her wound fiercely and she used all her willpower to keep her mouth shut, to hold her air in. She forced herself to keep her eyes open as well, trying to scramble back upright in the pull of the waves. Emmeline got her head up above the surf and gasped for air before a wave hit her and sent her under again.

Then suddenly there was a grip on her shoulder, a hand, and she screamed, losing all the hard-won air in her fear. A twisting feeling happened – the sensation of being squeezed – apparation, she realized dimly – and then suddenly she saw the door of Number 13, Grimmauld Place, and nearly whimpered in relief. She would have actually whimpered if she hadn't been so focused on not dying of asphyxiation.

Sirius, who was human now and not a dog, dragged her inside. She let him, half falling on him and half walking on her own, and then they both collapsed inside the house and leaned on each other. Emmeline's breathing quieted slowly and she coughed a few times to rid herself of the water in her lungs. Sirius had his arm slung over her shoulders and a wand gripped tightly in his other hand. He hadn't had one when they left, she knew. She still had hers, she realized thankfully. One of the first lessons the Prewett twins had taught her was not to drop her wand. Of course, they had taught her that inadvertently when they had all be in their first years at Hogwarts and Fabian had shown his attraction to her by trying to hex her shoelaces together.

A wet laugh escaped her and made Sirius look at her quizically. The fact that his face was covered in blood was almost enough to make her shriek but she held it together with some strange combination of gratefulness and hysteria. "Just thinking," she said between hiccuping laughs. "Never drop your wand." She waved hers lightly, wildly. "You saved me."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there sooner," he said, sounding angry with himself. His chest rumbled against her arm and she suddenly became aware of her wounded shoulder again. The adrenaline and fear from being drowned and then surprisingly apparated had made her forget about it for a few moments but now it returned with a vengeance.

Once she remembered it, pain shot through her like a hot poker and she actually did whimper this time. "Shit, Emm, you're hurt," Sirius said. He turned to her and looked at her shoulder. He was still ignoring his own bloody face like it didn't matter, like she was more important. She looked down at her shoulder as well and felt lightheaded at the amount of blood that was staining her robes despite the impromptu soaking they had gotten. He stood up and hurried down the hall to the kitchen and returned almost immediately with the first aid kit.

His hands were quick and sure as he got out the bottle of dittany that every wizard's house had for emergencies and a blood replenishing potion. He handed the latter to her and unstoppered the first. He was gentle as he tore away her tattered jacket to expose the wound. "Drink that, Emm," he encouraged in a tone that was concerned and yet offered no room for arguing. She did as he said, grimacing at the spicy-bitter taste of the dark red potion. "I could just kiss you," she said. Woah. That must be the blood loss talking. It kept her going, meaning to explain herself. "I mean, because you're all bloody. I could just get it from you."

He gave her a look and swiped a sleeve across his face. That didn't do much but smear the blood around and he ignored it, turning back to work on her. She felt the blood replenishing potion go to work quickly as well, clearing her head from the wooziness.

When her shoulder was clear he carefully dripped three drops of the dittany on her shoulder. She yelped as it smoked and closed, her breath hissing as she tried to moderate the pain. It was a different pain from the fire-hot burning the open wound had given her before, and the stinging took a while to dissipate. When she regained her sense of self, she realized Sirius was holding her hand and staring at her with concern. "I'm okay," she bit out. "I just forgot how much that kind of healing stings."

He pulled her towards him in a tight hug and she returned it with a feeling of mingled relief and the remnants of her fear. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, ignoring the blood that still stained his face. It wasn't his so it didn't matter. Her shoulder was now just achy, not actually painful, and she took a few deep breaths to steady herself. Her jacket was torn and covered in blood, as was her scarf, and she suddenly realized how cold she was. They were both still dripping with seawater. "We should get changed," she murmured into his wet hair.

"Yeah," he agreed, and they stumbled up the stairs, still holding hands. They parted only briefly to change into warm and dry clothes and when Emmeline returned downstairs, Sirius had a fire roaring in the kitchen. She sat down next to it gratefully, welcoming the warmth.

"Whose wand is that?" She asked him. He had his new wand tucked into his belt. The wand was dark wood with an ivory grip and Sirius rested his hand on it when she asked.

"Not sure. I got it from the second man I bit. I knew I'd need a wand to get us out of there and I didn't know if you still had yours after you went under."

"I thought wands only changed allegiance if you defeated their owners by magic." She didn't see how biting someone qualified as the kind of defeat needed to change a wand's loyalty.

Sirius shook his head with a slight smile. "I had no idea if it would work, but I think it did. It was enough to get us back here, anyway." He looked down at the wand at his hip and shrugged. "We'll see if it can do more."

A thought occurred to Emmeline. "How are you going to explain getting it?"

Sirius's face went dark. "I guess I can't. We probably shouldn't tell people we went out. And we definitely shouldn't tell them we were attacked." He sighed and looked down at the wand again before flipping his shirt over it to cover it in case anyone came in. Emmeline knew the house was deserted at this time in the afternoon but it was better safe then sorry. Then she shook her head at herself. Better safe than sorry, she said, when they had run into three Death Eaters while playing hooky.

"We can't go out again," she said with a sigh. "Those men... they knew you weren't really a dog. The rat must have told them."

Sirius growled, sounding much like his canine counterpart. "I know," Emmeline agreed. "I'm not exactly happy about it either. But you know we can't."

He heaved a sigh and slumped down on the table, looking so dejected that she couldn't help but reach out and put a hand on his shoulder. "I know," he said lowly. "It just... it really helped."

"I know," Emmeline agreed. They sat in silence for a few moments longer, both still shivering slightly, before Emmeline got up to fix cocoa. Sirius agreed when she asked him if he wanted any and she put a massive amount of marshmallows in both of their cups. "I may need something stronger than this after today," she commented.

That got a slight grin out of him. "I'll mull some wine."

They stayed like that, huddled close to the fire with their drinks, for the next hour. They chatted quietly, but Emmeline thought they both needed the time to decompress. Her heart had taken its sweet time to settle down and stop racing.

She could have died. They both could have died. She could only assume the Death Eaters were trying to pick off the weak links of the Order of the Phoenix first – the singer who couldn't even sing without having a panic attack and the wandless convict who had been cooped up in his family home for months. Neither of them had been in a true fight in years and three Death Eaters had probably seemed like plenty to deal with the broken members of the Order.

Well, Emmeline thought with a private smile. They had underestimated them. Maybe they hadn't won the battle but they also hadn't died, and that was enough for her right now. It had been a near thing but it wasn't a total thing and that was good enough.

"What are you smiling about?" Sirius asked.

Emmeline shrugged and got up to pour them both some wine. "We could have died today. The Death Eaters... they must have thought we were easy pickings. They must have thought we were broken."

"I am broken," Sirius said, his voice quiet enough that she almost didn't hear him.

"Me too," she agreed lowly. "But we didn't die."

He gave her half a smile and got up to take a mug of wine from her. "We didn't," he said, clinking the rim of his mug against hers. They returned to the table together and sat closer than before. Their knees brushed as they sat down and Emmeline felt something she hadn't felt in years, especially when the firelight caught his eyes that way.

She let herself stare at him shamelessly for a few seconds. He was looking right back at her so he had to know that she was doing it but she didn't care about that immediately. His hair was tousled by the day's fight and his own restless fingers running through it. His grey eyes were warm with the light and kind, a kindness and understanding filling them in a way she hadn't seen in years. His skin still had an unhealthy pale cast to it but he looked healthier than she had seen him, and the way his lips twitched up in a knowing smile meant that she should look away immediately.

She did. She wasn't allowed to check him out. He's your best friend, scolded part of her. He's your best friend, your _only_ friend besides Remus. What would Fabian say?

He'd say, go for it Emm, chimed in another part of her. He had always told her that if he died, she had to move on. She wasn't allowed to die with him, he had told her. She hadn't understood that at the time, even though she had made him promise the same. _Don't spend your life missing me_ , she could hear him saying again, whispering it in her ear like it was yesterday. _Move on and love again. I can't take it if we both die_.

 _But we might_ , she had told him. _We might both die._

 _And wouldn't that be a thing_ , he had replied, kissing her firmly. _But if I'm killed and you let yourself fade... Emm, that would kill me surer than any curse would_.

And so she had promised, but she hadn't gotten it, hadn't really understood that promise until right now. Sirius was looking at her now with some confusion and she smiled at him, shaking her head. "Lost in the past," she explained.

"I know how that goes," he said, a note of sympathy in his voice without a hint of pity.

She took a sip of her wine. "Merlin, we could have been killed today."

"But we weren't," Sirius reminded her. "They tried and they failed."

"Maybe we're not as broken as they think," Emmeline said. She paused for the space of two breaths and then said, "Maybe we're not as broken as we think."

He leaned forward and kissed her. She went perfectly still, not even breathing, just feeling his mouth warm against hers. A slow, radiant heat burned in her lips, down through her neck to her heart and chest, setting the former to pounding. The heat flushed out to her fingertips and down through her legs and then she kissed him back, sweetly and slowly and inexpertly after so long of nothing.

She felt more than saw his relief as he relaxed into her. She felt his chest against her, could feel his heart beating just as frantically as hers. She tilted her head slightly when their noses bumped together, forgetting the art of what she was doing. She felt a small laugh course through him and she smiled in response.

They leaned back at the same time, though neither got too far apart. "I'm sorry," Sirius said, voice and breathing a little ragged. She stared at him and he shifted in his seat, his grin wavering a little like he was uncertain. "I'm still a little... relieved about today. And then you say something that gives me hope and I just... Sorry."

"Don't apologize," she said immediately. "I was just surprised. I haven't been kissed in years."

"That's a relief," Sirius said with a laugh, clearly trying to diffuse the situation. "I haven't kissed anyone in fourteen years."

"Me neither."

"Oh, come on Emm. I was in prison. Don't tell me you were a recluse for fourteen years."

"Have you met me?" Emmeline asked lightly. Despite her casual tone Emmeline felt her own truth sting. She was reclusive. It took a war to get her to come back to the wizarding world. If there wasn't a war on she would still be in limbo. She looked away from him. Somehow that truth was more painful than anything else that had happened to her all day.

He recaptured her attention with a hand on her cheek before she could lose herself to the hurtful truth. "We didn't die," he told her, pulling her forward into a hug. "Don't regret things that you could have done. We're alive, and we'll keep being alive. Don't forget that."

Emmeline felt a small smile creep over her face as she returned his hug. "Thank you," she whispered to him, pressing her face into the crook between his shoulder and neck for the second time that day. He still smelled a little like salt and blood but he also smelled like spiced wine and woodsmoke and she took comfort in all the smells and the warmth of his back and shoulders under her arms. "You're the best thing that's happened to me in years."

He didn't say anything but he tightened his grip on her and she could feel him smiling against her cheek.

* * *

Whoops long hiatus! But we're back with another chapter, so I hope my few readers enjoy! Let me know, and I promise to update more often. Everything is plotted, it just needs writing! Happy Yule and Solstice, Christmas and Chanukah and Kwanzaa to those who celebrate, and a wonderful New Year to you all!

3,

Vee


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